When you want.

It's this constant feeling of walking down a hallway and thinking people keep looking at you and talking. Not "she looks good!" "Did you hear about this cool thing she did?" But horrible things. Horribly, nasty things. It's that feeling where you feel like people don't mean anything they say to you. Every compliment is empty. It's that feeling when you figure out you're just a joke. It's that feeling when you know you don't "need" a guy and you will never be that girl, but when it hurts so much to fuck something great up and then have it haunt you everyday because the other one can't make up their mind either. It's that feeling where I'm becoming too scared to pursue my dreams because I know people don't approve and some people that pretend to, don't really want me to. I hear about everything. Seriously. Everything. I know everything people say about me. Even people I'm close to. I just pretend I didn't hear about it most of the time. Just pretend it never happened. Then instead of saying something to the person, I beat myself up about it. Wanna know how many of these stupid journals I have filled, trying to "get my mind off things"? It's been 4 years and I'm not fucking fixed. Funny how a piece of paper and a pen is better medicine than any of the shit they give me. It's the feeling where you know you could die, and maybe 10 people would care. 10. And the sad thing  is, I can't name those 10 people. Because sometimes, I don't know.It's that feeling where you feel like you have to impress everyone, because people come to your shows and what not to see you fail. I have a few people who pretend to believe in me, but i know what half of the few people have said. Because their "best friends" and "friends" tell me everything they say. Because you know, "Please don't tell anyone" means nothing today between anyone instead of just the few exceptions. 

I want a new start. After this year, I need to drop everything and figure it out. Do I quit theatre and try to find something I'm good at? Do I go to college in California and become a new person? Do I just go for it? Shit.