Captain ego boost.

Well, it's been a while since I've done one of these. Sooo I'm gonna do it for three people.

Marya- Marya, you are absolutely beautiful. I LOVE you!! :) Your singing voice blows me away. I have a ton of fun with you and I can tell you anything. It kills me to think that you're gonna be in college next year. Good thing you're going to Washburn, because I would DIE without you.

Gabby- Hello, gabberz. I love you!! :) The songs you write are.. Wow. Amazing. I constantly sing the one that's like "I took it as a dirty joke.." You know, that one :) Well. Good thing I've got one more year with you. If go nuts if you left me along with THE OTHER TWO. Thank you for believing in me and always be the first to recognize my mood swings. ;)

Corbin- I hate you. I think you're ugly and untalented. Nahhh, you're amazing. I love watching you at music man rehearsals. You're so natural, it just comes to you. You are one talented kid :) Thanks for being the best boyfriend ever.

-Alto

The future me.

Here's what I want for my life. If you can help me get there, great. If you want to shoot it down, leave.

1.) College
I want to go to the College of the Ozarks and do theater and whatever I'm gonna have as a back up. But back ups are boring, and I don't think about them. But it would mean everything. I work, and then I don't have to pay tuition. That would be amazing. It'd help me and my family, since there are 3 kids after me. And theatre is my first choice, so it wouldn't hurt to have money after college.

2.)Job
I want to open my own theater in a small town that needs the arts. I want to be Jo. The director who made me who I am today. Blah blah blah you can't do it blah blah blah that'll never happen. Okay. I get it. It's a dream. It probably won't happen. But it'd be really fun. And then back up plan but ya whatever.

3.) Marriage and whatnot.
I do want to get married. And they're gonna have to be perfect. They have to be in some sort of performing art. They have to. I want to have fun and it'd be better to have someone with me legitamately enjoying themselves at the same time. Aaaaand contrary to popular belief, I want to have kids. Not that many because children drive me insane but I guess it'd be different if they're your own. You know, or just a dog.


I want a house, duh. But I don't care what it looks like. As long as it has a huge backyard. And it has to be a pretty backyard.
I want to be skinny. And pretty. And I will always have red lipstick on. It's gonna be my thing.
I want to be in love. I want the marriage that everybody is jealous of.
I want to make friends everywhere I visit so I have people I know everywhere.
I want people to look up to me and I want someone.. Anyone to be proud of me.

That's pretty much it. :)

-Alto

Bob Marley.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” 

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Well, okay. Now i've had time to cool down.

I talked to the girl that i havent been very happy with for the past couple months.. And she apologized. We talked about everything. She was sincerely sorry for everything that has happened these past couple months. She gave me honest reasons why and then explained why shes sorry. But thats not my information to share. Let's just say.. I feel 100% better about the situation. She hasnt completely gained my trust back, but she has earned my respect. We also had fun tonight at rehearsal. We acted just like we used to. Like the best friends we used to be. But, i'm okay.Last night, I wanted to explain to the boy why i'm so crazy all the time, and there was only one way to do it. Aaaaaaand, I did.

And he said it back.

:)

-Alto

Parade

"So, I don't know how to put this... I don't think you realize this, and it may just be that I'm reading too much into it, but I feel like you're sort of parading Corbin around in front of Krista. I know you can't mean to, and I'm sorry if it sounds bad of me to say.
But, it's really been taking a toll on Krista. She would like to be friends with you, but she feels like the two of you are in constant competition. She would still like to maintain a friendship with both you and Corbin, as we are a Bath House family and that's how we are...
I want you guys to be friends again. I don't want anymore hurt feelings.
Thank you for even reading this."

Is this a joke? I'm allowed to  "parade" my boyfriend around. He's MY boyfriend. This girl is psycho. She needs to leave me alone and stop telling people that I'm some "manipulative bitch." A lot of my friends hate me. Why? Because she's either making up stories or exaggerating everything. I hate her. Ihateherihateherihateher.

Hdjzejsbrudie

-Alto

Asdfjkl;

Someday you're gonna realize that you're it. I like you more than anyone. I look forward to seeing you, I love texting you, I'm always trying to be with you. You. Not anyone else. I'm gonna get upset at that dumb old talented brat. It's gonna happen. I'm a frustrating person. Props for sticking around this long. I'm happy with you. I truly am. Just..

Asdfjkl;

-Alto

Compared

I always compare myself to other girls and it ends up with me feeling like crap.

Marya: Amazing singer. Beautiful face. Funniest person I know.
Gabby: Really pretty. Amazing voice. A genius song writer.
Krista: Beautiful. Amazing actor. Even more amazing singer. Good dancer. Funny. All around talented.
Jackie: Gorgeous. Skinny
Kristin: Beautiful. Funny. Tiny.
Katie: Funny. Pretty. Good singer.
Corey: Pretty. Hilarious.




Me: not so much.

-Alto

Mixing worlds.

I brought you into drama club because you were my really good friend. Now I regret it. You get one part and you tell me that you think you're better than over half the people. Don't expect me to be happy with you when the only reason you do it is because you have a crush on half the guys. Theatre is my everything, and you're treating it like nothing.

Go away.

-Alto

Seniors.

Seniors. 

I love them. A lot. This is just a little farewell to all of them.

SP- We never really became that good of friends until Sound of Music when we bonded over the fact that our director was insane. 

CoC- She's really pretty and really funny. I just never got the opportunity to get to know her. And ummmm.. Yeaaaaah. 

AS- I don't really know him. At all. Except it was really cool of him to step in to play Antoine in Song of Bernadette for us. That meant a lot. 

AM- Oh gosh. I was friends with him, then I hated him, then I loved him again. He's a dork, but it's great. 

KS- Shes a bitch. And she knows it. But you know, whatevz. I hope she doesn't get hit too hard when she goes to college. Just... Enough. 

CaC- She hated me both years I was at Hayden. She'll deny it, but I'm not fooled. I can't say I'm too sad to see her go. Sometimes people need to realize that you can't be the center of attention all the time and you can't control everyone around you. 

JS- He is sooooo funny. He didn't talk to me at all last year, but we've become really good friends this year. He is so funny. He's also come a long way since the shows I saw him in his freshman year. 

AB- She is a saint. She is the most beautiful young girl who is gonna get what she wants, no matter what that is. She only thinks of others, never herself. She puts everyone in the world before her, and someone needs to return the favor. She is going to find someone amazing and live a happy life. I love that girl. 

AG- I love this priest, if he even does that which... Lord knows. He's SO annoying an never stop touching me, but I still love him. He's cray cray and it's pretty funny. I also hate his hands.

Now here's where I get sick to my stomach.

MF- Marya is one special girl. I've never heard a voice like hers. She's definitely going somewhere. She gets down on herself and it pisses me off because I want to be her. She gets mad at me... A lot. And it kills me. Because I have so much trust in this girl and I feel like I let her down all the time. I want her to see the Marya I see. She's like my mother away from home. She keeps me on track and reminds me that I'm great.

CE- Hmm. What do I even say? Well, um. He's great. He's amazing. He's the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing I think of when I go to bed. The thought of not seeing him every day at school kinda sucks. Everyone loves him. Everyone. I'm glad he's stop being so insecure and he accepts the love people have for him now. Because there is a lot. He's an amazing guy. I'm gonna miss him. 

One day

One day, ill be too old to do the things I love. One day, all my favorite bands or actors are gonna stop making music and doing shows. One day, my dreams could not come true. One day, I can't make the same mistakes over and over again. One day, I'm gonna regret asking to grow up. 

Today, I'm terrified. 

-Alto

Finally.

I've been stupid this whole time. Its looked like I don't trust him at all. I have no right to be mad at him for that girl when I talk to every theatre guy that there is. I've been the bad guy this whole time. At least I've come to the realization now.

-Alto

I have a solution ;)

Yes. Yes. Yes.


It's about time! :)

-Alto

Background Player

If I tried to write an entire blog about this, it would take forever. So here are some quotes that sum up my whole situation.

"If I get one more comedic role, I'm gonna punch a baby."

"Please don't take him even though you can. I just can't compete with Jolene."

"I have insecurities, of course, but I don't hangout with anyone who points them out to me."

"It's just because I care."

"They won't let my poor heart mend."

"You're my best friend."

"I love you."

Mad

I'm sick and tired of this. I feel like I have the best theater family in the entire world in the summer. Then comes the school year and even the amazing family I have in the summer turns against me. I just wanna be put first. Just for a little bit. I may be, but I'm jut too selfish to recognize it. But I honestly haven't felt like I have been. The one night I felt like dying, no one even looked at me. I was upset beyond belief and nobody even sat by me during notes. One person said something about me looking upset. One. Yes, I appreciate that. But isn't it SO funny how I am there for anyone and everyone even if I don't get along with them or (in my summer family) I go to all their shows and they ALL find excuses not to come except the talented psycho in love with my boyfriend. But. That's not the point. It's just, whatever.

Ugh.

-Alto

Time

I want summer. More than anything. But I don't want to lose Marya, or Corbin. Just all the seniors leaving. I've got this years juniors to keep me sane and then what do I do? Maybe I should have made friends in my class.

Shit.


-Alto

Boys

Guys in general. What the heck goes through their minds?
I've heard the perverted guys side but what about the normal ones, you know, with respect?
What do they think? How attached to girls do they get?

Girls get ridiculously attached. If a girl likes a guy, she doesn't ever stop thinking about him. They think about them before they go to bed, the minute they wake up, during school, all the time. Just looking at them is enough. But what about guys?

Boys. The species we will never understand.

-Alto

You

I don't want to be the annoying jealous girlfriend. I know that's kinda what I'm doing though. I just like you more than I think you're comfortable hearing. You have to know by now how much you mean to me and I hope you understand where I'm coming from.

-Alto

Pffff. Girls.

Ive always been the supporting character. Then a show comes along that I finally think I could get a lead in, and nope. The girl thats been beating me out for the parts I've wanted since I was little came to kick my ass, once again. I want to hate her for it, but shes so talented, its hard to. But i can dislike her for another reason. I dont think its cool to text a girl about how you're "in love" with two guys and one of them happens to be the girl's boyfriend. I get it, you're psychotic when it comes to boys. But stay away from mine. So this is the part of the relationship where the jealous girlfriend comes out, right?

Sometimes I hate myself.

-Alto

Heart Broken

You were my best friend for the longest time. I was there for you through everything in middle school. Those evil kids torchered you. I was there for you every step of the way. You mean a lot to me, that's why I'm nagging you. I don't want to hear about you getting drunk this weekend, or find out I'm replying to drunk texts. I hate it. This isn't you. I don't know how this happened.

But, seriously. If you need me. I'm still here.

-Alto

Mess

It's not that I'm sad. Yes, change sucks. But I honestly don't think that's what it is. I'm in a bad mood today. I don't know if it's because of the whole theater situation for if its something else. I honestly don't think it's the theater situation, but it doesn't help. I can't tell if it's because I'm sad, or if I just feel empty. No one really talked to me today. I was just kind of... There. I'm neutral in my class, which I guess is a good thing. I'm not popular, but I talk to those people. I'm not a loser like I say I am, but I talk to those people. I'm in the awkward middle group.

I need to find myself some more legit friends in my class.

Mess.

-Alto

Hey Corbin.

Yes, Corbin. I know that you stalk my blog. I find it kinda funny.

But, I'm going to take this opportunity to post my feelings for you on the interweb. You know, ones that were originally intended for you to see instead of written a while ago and you were shown months after..

Well, here it goes.

You mean everything to me. I liked you in sixth grade, but you didn't acknowledge my existence, so that ended quickly. But then freshman year came around and I liked you instantly. Yes, even though you were dating whatshername. ;) Then this summer came around and I kept telling you to break up with her, but kept telling you I was kidding. Guess what. I wasn't. Then you told me you liked my friend because, your words, you didn't want me to think you liked me. Which makes NO sense by the way... If you like a girl, it doesn't help you by telling her you like her friend, just a heads up.. But yeah, that ruined my summer. From then on out, I tried to be with you at all times and always be in your car when going to cast parties. I also didnt try too hard to stop the rumors about us making out in your car before, haha.  I liked you. A lot. Then you broke up with whoeversheis and I was gonna tell you that I liked you.. Yeah, that week. Then someone informed me of how ridiculously stupid that would have been, so I didn't. Then you took me to a cast party during Good Woman of Setzuan and we were in front of my house and I got ready to tell you... And you interrupted me. So I took it as a sign not to tell you. It would have been cute. But no. How did we end up finding out we liked each other? We fought about my friend and wouldn't speak to each other and then talked through Marya to tell each other we liked each other. Then, after we both found out,we didn't   say ANYTHING about it to each other for about a week and then finally I texted you and you told me you liked me but you didn't want to date. I complained to Marya about that, oh boy. And then, to my surprise, that next week you asked me out. How? You said "Tori. Would you mind accompanying me on a date sometime?" To which I responded yes, and you proceeded to get out of the car, trip over a curb and run into me/hug me. Then, we got inside and I got a text that said "That's not what I was supposed to ask you..." And then, we were dating. Best day of my life, by the way. You then killed me as I waited for a first kiss, but it was totally worth it. You are the best thing to happen to me. I never want you to forget it. And boy, stop being so insecure. You're fine. You're perfect to me. I wouldn't change anything. Except that you never look at your phone, but I can get over that. ;)

I hope this helps you realize how much you mean to me.

:)

-Alto