Stop

Please. Just stop asking me about him.

He's not mine. And when I say that, you think I'm lying. But I'm not. He's not mine. Never really was and probably won't be. But I seriously like that kid. More than anything. And I know I change my mind all the time, but I mean it. I like him. Because I can say I don't all I want but when I don't have him.. I miss him more than I know how to put into words. 

Him and I used to talk about being "sure" about someone. 

Well, bud.. That's you. 

6th grade

I found a poetry book from 6th grade and it has hidden suicide messages all over it.. Most of the poems are very clever but how did the teacher not find it suspicious? Dear lord. 

My day

I woke up at 5:30 and looked at my phone to make sure I turned my alarm on. I thought I did, but it was the locked rotation logo instead of the alarm one. I then fell back asleep only to wake up to a call from my mom at 7:30 asking if I was ready to go. Well I jumped out of bed to look for a uniform only to find all of my uniforms are in the washer. Then I ran upstairs and found pants in my hallway closet and my brothers uniform shirt. I brushed my teeth and ran outside and forgot a jacket. I didn't do anything to my hair and I didn't wear makeup.  I got to school and had math which sucks in general and stressed out because I had NO Idea what was going on. Then life health happened- whatever. Then acting- I didn't okay on my monologue, not as good as I could have. Then.. Came lit. I was told that my hair looked bad. So I put it up. But they said my face was too round to wear my hair up. So I took it down. And then they asked why I was wearing pants,  more people joined the conversation then. And I told them what happened. And she said my legs looked huge in them. They told me I looked sick without make up and said I need to go home and sleep because it looked like I had a rough day...

But I toughed it out and went to little women. I thought I was going to enjoy it. But as per the previous blog, I didn't enjoy it. I suck. Brogren knows it. She showed it. And I get in the car to hear my dad, who's been trying lately, listening to shrek. And that made me smile. He then turned it down and said "I'm glad I got to pick you up because we need to talk." He then proceeded to tell me that he was laid off today. Our family, who has no money anymore, has an unemployed parent. Now he was already offered a job at the ACS and then another position at the casino. So we're gonna be fine. Today hated me. And I don't think it's gonna get better.

Fuck me.

I can fucking do this. I can't sing. I can't act. I can't do this. This used to be fun. And now I hate it. I've wanted Jo for so long. Now it's here and I am fucking up so hard core. I can't do it. Then my carol isn't want he wants. I'm so fucking terrible. I'm meant to be in the chorus of musicals. And I can't even do that in the big leagues, since I'm a shitty dancer. 

I don't what the fuck is wrong with me but if I don't snap out of it soon I'm about to reaaaaally embarrass myself. 

Mending a broken heart

My family, which feels like a million broken pieces being held together with duct tape, is coming together again if my dad takes this job. And weirdly enough, I caught a glimpse of what it would be like with him home more. And it was awesome. He'd be home on weekends. And he'd get holidays off. You know I've spent Christmas with my dad once in the past 10 years. We have to open Santa gifts on christmas eve or at 6 am on Christmas. Neither seemed fun. I think my dad would like the relays, but not the office work. Working with women 10 years older than him that only talk about Pinterest, diet coke, and whatever diet their trying to be consistent with. He's gonna turn into an old woman. But that's okay. Being a family is something I've wanted for God knows how long. 

I need this. 

We need this. 

Shitty catholic.

I am a terrible catholic. Which is weird, because I used to be really into it. But somethig stopped. But for some reason... Today... In Kansas City.. At a pizza place... I decided I'm gonna get more into it again. 

It was seein jake look around, then look down and close his eyes and pray when everyone forgot to pray. And normally football jocks that don't care would just go with it. All day he impressed me.  

You.

You're turning into a fucking monster. Stop it now. You're better than this. 

Or are you? 

The one mistake.

Why did I think I was being nice enough to people that they should like me? 

What makes me so fucking great? 

I know I'm not. I've always known that. But the thing that made it easier was the theatre and singers people. Well- singers is out now. For obvious reasons. Theatre people are out because I'm not in Peter Pan so there's 31 people that won't be seeing much of me. I'm im A/B scene and I'm 100% aware that I am not supposed to be in it. I get to be carol- so that will keep my mind off of everything for a while. Then I'll be Jo. Which sounds awful right now.. Being my dream role in a cast full of people that have only said bad things about me within the past month wasn't how I pictured it. I'm 100% aware I didn't deserve Jo and I just got it, but this was supposed to be EVERYTHIG. Now it doesn't seem so glamourous. And I know you're thinking, "Well, Tori. Fix it." But, honestly, I don't know how. I'm nothing like any of these people and I've known that from the get-go. I'm nothing like any theatre people I've ever met. Directors, actors, techies, anybody. And I always thought that was a good thing. But now I know I'm wrong. 

Nasty feeling.

The fact that you can just completely ignore me now.

The fact we don't talk at all anymore unless you benefit. 

The fact we were good friends, now we're nothing. 

I'm sad. And I shouldn't be. But, god. I am.

Talents and boys.

When it comes to boys I have a special talent. I meet then, and somehow instantly become friends with them. And we talk a lot then start texting so we can talk even when we aren't hanging out. Then I like them. Then they like me. Sometimes the other way around, but usually not. Then, we hang out. Even if it's in groups of people. Then wait for those couple minutes where we're alone and we can just be super awkward. And it's great. It's really great. But then one day, they snap out of it. They realize I'm just the really good friend they need around. And I'm not worried about finding a guy, I'll never be that girl. But it's rough being that way with someone, then seeing them drift away completely. Or the ones that hold on too long and I'm already done. 

And that's rough. 

November 5th.

Everythings getting worse.

And it's becoming embarrassing as to why. 

But it makes you think.. Maybe it would have been better if I would have just went through with it. My parents would have more money. People's feelings wouldn't be hurt. The people at school would remain the same because nobody knows I exist there anyway. 

I'm just a complete and total fuck up. And I don't know how to fix it anymore. 

Losing my mind.

I need my parents to decide if they want me here anymore. They've completely ignored my existence and have made me pay for every possible thing (my brothers lunch money included) for the past week. And I feel like my family just can't/doesn't want to have me around anymore. I'm tired of beig a charity case to other people. It's really embarrassing. 

Religion.

This whole religion thing is kind of a problem. I believe in God. I don't believe that Hell exists. I don't believe gays will be punished. I don't believe the bible. I don't believe that religion defines you. Like, makes you a good person or not. Because the shittiest people I've ever met are the "best" Christians/Catholics. And that sucks. Because I've been trying to get back into it and those are the people I have trying to convince me of how great it is. I don't go to church every Sunday anymore. There's no meaning to a mass for me. What sucks is that I need something like that. Something to ask for help. Something that I can believe will help me. Praying just seems so cheesy. And so I don't do it. And when I do it's to ask for something. I don't think ill ever become a Jesus freak- because that's not me. But I want to believe in it again. Not necessarily catholocism, but religion. Organized religions give me a huge headache, but it's worth a shot. Right?

Perks of Being a Wallflower

Charlie: I don't know if I will have the time to write any more letters because I might be too busy trying to participate. So if this does end up being the last letter I just want you to know that I was in a bad place before I started high school and you helped me. Even if you didn't know what I was talking about or know someone who's gone through it, you made me not feel alone. Because I know there are people who say all these things don't happen. And there are people who forget what it's like to be 16 when they turn 17. I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. We'll all become somebody's mom or dad. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening. I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you're listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment I swear, we are infinite.

Where are you going?

I don't think you understand how much I need you at this point. 

You're all I have and I don't know why you're doing g this. 

If you want me gone, just tell me so I don't hold on longer than I should. 

Because if you keep doing what you're doing, I'm gonna get crushed. 

And I don't think I can handle that. 

Random.

I don't know why you're doing it, but I'm over it. So whenever you're done. 

Thanks.