First

I love you. So much. More than you love me. Which is totally fine! But don't question anything. You're the first guy I've ever felt this way about. The first one I would ask to get out of the car just so I can hug you. The first one I've wanted to kiss. The one that makes me look forward to school because I get to see you. The first one to give me butterflies every time you touch my hand. The first one I tease, but really do think you're perfect. (Even though you bring it up at bad times.)

I like you. A lot more than planned. A lot more than expected. Just get used to it.

So when I say get out of the car, know its because I do and I miss it just being us
instead of everyone always being around

-Alto

Feel special.

You better feel pretty dang special. I've never been this way with anyone before. Everything you do fascinates me. Every word that comes out of your mouth, everything you do, anything. You mean everything to me. You don't like to text back, but I (most of the time) have my phone there waiting for it to beep, because you're the only one it beeps for. I tell you I love you.. Every day. And I mean it. More and more each day. We used I be SO awkward. Like... Painfully awkward. But we've finally gotten comfortable around each other. Your the first that I've liked that I've completely been myself around. Gosh, don't know how you handle it. But really, you're amazing. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you and I mean it.

:)

-Alto

Wow.

Ouch.

"Can't come soon enough" seems to go by too fast.

I want to grow up. Right now. I don't want to be in high school anymore. I want be in college taking theatre classes and I want to be broke and I want to not live with my parents and I want to completely fall in love and I want to open my theater and I want to be able to make my own decisions like what my house looks like and if I want to chop off all my hair or not. I want to be able to decide what church I go to and how late I can stay out. I want to be able to get a good job and have kids and force them to do things I wish I would have done and I want to go on vacation and ride every ride at every amusement park within a few states of where I end up living. I want to be the cool big sister that my siblings never see but get nice presents from every month.

I want so much right now but here I am. Just ending my sophomore year of high school. Sucks, but I'm wasting the present dreaming of the future.

-Alto

Figures.

Who am I? Why am I here? What's my purpose? How many things can I screw up in a day? Why do I have to be myself if "myself" is the thing that screws up everything?

I want to sleep for the next month.

-Alto

The girl that I hated with my whole body and soul.

If you would have told me a year ago that CT and I would be friends again I would have told you that you were dead wrong and I would have done everything to make sure that it didnt happen..

But what the heck happened that made us friends again?

I randomly texted her asking about a tweet of hers tonight (after 3 moths of us randomly being civil) and she went on and on and on about my friend that she likes. She's asked me advice and told me how Corbin and I's relationship is what she wants.. People don't just say that. And people don't just open up and rant to people about who they like when yet don't want them to know if they don't trust te person that they are telling.

Weird.

-Alto

April 28th

While having a panic attack in front of the entire cast was not on my to do list, it happened.

I hate feeling like I have to be exactly like those around. Those far more pretty and talented. It makes me sick, and I can't help it. Stress doesn't help either.

I want to be her. She knows how to do everything. She's amazing. I say horrible things about her, just to make myself feel better. Yes, she's rude to me, but she's what I want to be.

She's pretty, she plays piano, she's smart, she makes Corbin smile more than I do, she can do anything. And it's frustrating: being that girl behind her. Always behind her.

I just want to be better than her at something. Just once. ONCE.

Then everything will be better.
-Alto

Music man

This has been a change. A big change. I feel bad for saying this, but I like it.. More. Honestly they're hard to compare but I mean, I had a ton of fun with this show. I've also never felt more prepared going into an opening night.

But the show.. The cast gets along really well. Working with costumes and sets has been amazing. Getting to spend everyday with the people I normally only see in the summer is cool too.

I'm just so happy.

Happy happy happy.

-Alto

Post-Update

Corbin is perfect. And makes me the happiest girl alive. I wanted to make a separate post just for him.

I am so proud of him. He has improved so much since I met him. This character comes completely natural to him. I mean, how can the rest of you not fall in love with him?

He's the most amazing guy in the world and I can't wait to see everyone's reaction to him :)

They'll love him as much as I do.

Break a leg, Corbin!

-Alto

Update

Well. I found a notebook that said I was originally Marian. Which just makes me happy.

Got told that my boyfriend and I were the best in the show and was thanked by the director for it.

Kissed a gay guy back stage 3 times. He then kissed a girl on stage. She kissed Corbin. Found out the gay guy was sick,so she took a drink of a guy's water bottle. The guy accidentally drank out of it again. Then I kissed Corbin. So basically, were all gonna die.

My accent fades in and out and it makes me want to punch myself.

Opening night is Friday.

Super excited.

Yeah yeah.

That ginger girl.

It's so not obvious who this is about.

Sometimes I hate her, sometimes I ... Can stand her.

But really she needs to become her own person. She changes herself just to impress everyone around her. What's she gonna do when she goes to college and she has to stop pretending to be this person she randomly decided to become? Ill just take this as a lesson.


Idiot.


-Alto

I need a life

I wrote an entire play.

In one night.

Here's a sneak peek

Carson: Well. Here I go. (Awkwardly, pretending to be excited.) Ahhhhh. I'm getting married.
John: Goodbye and good luck!
(Elbows Danny who refuses to look up.)
Danny: Bye.
(She exits)
John: Well, Danny. Are you gonna be okay?
(Silence)
Danny: Remember when you told me how you knew that Ellen was 'the one'?
John: How could I forget?
Danny: Why did you let her go?
John: I have no idea..(Hinting) But it was remarkably foolish of me, wasn't it?


Danny: (beat) Carson!

Little RomCom I wrote. In my head, Danny is James Marsden and Carson is Emma Watson. Age difference is weird, shut up I know. John is Jason Seagle. Idk if that's how you spell it.

-Alto

Youbedoobedoo.

You make everything a million times easier. You're the biggest dumby in the world sometimes but it's okay. You've truly become my best friend. There isn't a thing that I couldn't talk to you about. You're the only person I've ever been this comfortable around.

Thank you so much.

-Alto

Journals

Lets just say..

Journals are for you. You to write in, you to vent to, YOU to read. I had to get one. I needed it and I can't rely on my blog all the time. What do I do when I'm at school and need someone to talk to, but I look around my classes and see absolutely no one? That's what my composition notebook is for. I thought I would be able to get away with having it and people would mind their own business. But I went to my locker during class and came back only to hear

"I felt more alone than ever."

Repeated. Over and over as if someone was trying to get my attention. Then I thought about it...

The last page I wrote on.

I felt like that was the end. I didn't know what to do. I kept my head down on my desk the rest of class. Those girls think that they're funny. I hate them. So much.

Please. Leave the weird girl alone.

It was easy for the people I do consider my friends to be comfortable with themselves because they have people just as different as them to be with and have classes with.

I'm alone. I don't even know who I am anymore. All I know is that I'm not myself.

-Alto

Ouch

Imagine this:

You're dating the most perfect person in the entire world. They may not be, but that's how you see them.
But, before you were dating you were friends with them. One day, they take you home and you sit outside your house for a while as the person you want to be with looks to in the eyes and tells you that they like one of your really good friends. Hurts, don't it?
Well, a couple months go by and the person that the girl or boy you are currently dating liked is madly in love with them and had been that whole time. And still is. And doesn't let you forget it. But makes you think that they don't for a while but then completely turns around and stabs you in the back.
Then they think they won, so they told their best friend, because they get to kiss that boy or girl every night in a show. They kinda did because you have to sit there and watch it happen. Night after night. While countless numbers of people make comments that make your heart drop to your stomach and ask you questions that make you want to die. Right there and then.
And your boyfriend or girlfriend is just super awkward. And then you spend night after night taking everything out on them even though they don't deserve it.

Sounds stupid, right?

-Alto

What Patti Lupone taught me.

I'm having a bad day.

So I watched Patti Lupone: A YoungArts Master Class.

I finally see how important engaging your eyes in everything you do. Because your face can say a million things but not engaging your eyes ruins all of it.

Always be spontaneous. An audience can spot when something is rehearsed. Everything needs to be spontaneous. Well, don't go against the directors blocking, but make everything fresh and natural.

She gave this big speech about how the arts are dying and we need to keep it alive. We are the actors coming after the actors before us and we have to carry on their legacy.

I'm inspired.

-Alto

Putting up with me.

If I were to go somewhere right now and meet myself, I would probably be extremely annoyed. I don't know how some of the people put up with me.

Gabby and Marya, I'm not good enough friends to you guys. It seems I'm always doing something wrong. If I'm doing something right, someone ends up hurt. I don't know what to do there a lot of the time.
Corbin. Oh, Corbin. Our conversations are literally me accusing you of something and you just taking it. I also yell at you for stage kisses that if it was me doing one, you wouldn't complain about.

I'm sorry guys.

Really.

-Alto

The best kind of people.

The best kind of people are the ones that come into your life, and make you see sun where you once saw clouds. The people that believe in you so much, that you start to believe in you too. The people that love you, simply for you.

The once in a lifetime kind of people.

-Alto

Piano.

I'm a black key on a piano.
If you hear me by myself, I sound like a wrong note.
No one is used to the girl who publicly makes mistakes.
The others have perfect pitch,
But I'm gonna make the best music.

...No one is ever gonna see that.

Because I'm the black key.
I look fine, until you hear what I have to play.
Then, I'm too different from the rest of you.
Every time I'm played, the people cringe.
I'm used to feeling isolated.

Alone.

Unwanted.

Wrong.

Surrounded by those who seem perfect.

But in the end..

You realize I'm not the only one.
There are so many more just like me.
They just go unrecognized.
At least, not recognized as much as the others.
One day, the others are gonna see.
They're gonna realize that we may be different,
But we all play from the same hands.
As a matter of fact, that music is nothing without the "sharps" and "flats."


I'm proud.
To be that black key.

Penny's Song

Here's a story of a girl
Who grew up lost and lonely.
Thinking love was fairy tale
And trouble was made only for me.

Even in the darkness
Every color can be found.
And everyday your rain brings water
Flowing to things growing in the ground.

Grief replaced with pity
For a city barely coping.
Dreams are easy to achieve
If hope is all I'm hoping to be.

Anytime you hurt there's one that
Has it worse around.
And very drop of rain will keep you
Growing, feeds your sowing in the ground.

So keep your head up, Billy Buddy.

Sophomore

I don't think he still reads these so I'm just gonna rant.

This girl talked to me at rehearsal. I know she may not like me, because not many people do anymore. But the things she had to say really got to me.

I hope he doesn't feel like he's obligated to keep me around until he has to leave. I know I would feel that way, but he shouldn't. I know how his last relationship went and I wouldn't be happy if I was a story that he told to his next girlfriend about being unhappy. I like him. A lot. But that shouldn't make him feel like he has to feel the same way. I don't want him to dump me, but if he'd be happier somewhere else, I do.

Afhhrnnydnmdsegvsryjxaeg.

-Alto

I may regret posting this and delete it in an hour. But I really need to stop getting so scared all the time. :/
I'm just really used to losing people.

Falling apart.

Everything is falling apart. I'm not cut out for this. My parents need to stop pushing me into singing. Singers is the WORST part of my day. I love the people in it but I cannot stand the class. I'm probably in the top 5 worst people. It's embarrassing. Something my best friends don't understand. Everyone I surround myself with is amazing and it hurts to be the shitty one. I'm never gonna be good enough. I'm gonna have to accept that. I'm not getting down on myself-I'm just being honest with myself for once. I'm also getting really tired of getting put in charge of or having to take responsibility for things that are NOT my responsibility.

I'm just.. Tired.

-Alto

Katie.

I fucking hate her.

-Alto

Smiley face.

He's perfect. :)

Absolutely perfect. I want to be everything he wants. He's the first guy I've ever liked that I've been this comfortable around. He's everything I want in a guy. Except he's bad at texting, something I'm very good at. When he says the wrong thing, he always knows the right things to say to get him out of it. ;) He's .. Amazing. I think about him all the time. I'm beyond proud of everything he does. He's gonna be great one day. And I'm excited to see it happen.

I'm proud to call him my boyfriend.

-Alto

High School Shit.

No matter what class I'm in, I hate the people in it. You've got a horrible mix of the "popular" girls who think they're way prettier and cooler than they are, and the douche bag guys who think their comments are funny. I can't stand it anymore. I absolutely hate them. The guys need to stop, because nothing they say is funny. They come off as jerks to the teachers and when they make fun of the the kid who keeps getting the answers right. Why would you make fun of that? I don't even.. Whatever. Then sitting I digital media, are the same girls that I have different classes with. Miranda is in my biology class and she is BEST FRIENDS with Maddie in that class. Maddie, the girl who took a LOT of crap last year and got through it. Then in digital media she walks around asking people if they think she's pretty and then disagrees with them if they say yes.. I don't care if you think she isn't pretty, you DON'T do that to your friend. Paige is in my history class with Emma. And in that class Paige tells Emma how funny she is and great she is. Then, who'd have guessed, during digital media she talks soooo much crap on her and its ridiculous. Emma is an amazing girl. Yeah, she makes bad choices.. But nowhere near as bad as them. Grace is best friends with everyone.. Or so it seems. Grace talks about anyone and everyone and she's the best thing in the world in her eyes. She's not..
I talk about people. A lot. I do. But not to this extent. The things they say are just...Aweful.

Hypocrites.

-Alto

Happiness.

It's scary to find someone that makes you happy. You start giving them all your attention because they're what makes you forget about all the bad things going on in your life. They're the first person you want to talk to, so you can start and end your day with a smile. It's the most amazing feeling to have that person.. But it's the worst feeling knowing they could walk away any minute.

-Alto

To this day- favorite quotes

-"Im not the only kid who grew up this way surrounded by people who used to say the rhyme about sticks and stones as if broken bones hurt more than the names we got called."

-"He tried to kill himself when a kid who still had his mom and dad had the audacity to tell him to "get over it" as if depression is something that can be remedied by any of the contents found in a first aid kit."

-".. And if you can't find anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror."

-"...Because there is something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit."

-"But our lives will only be a balancing act that has less to do with pain and more to do with beauty."

-Alto

Rant

Theatre is more than an art to me. It's a lifestyle. It's more than a hobby, it's a passion. I don't remember who I was before I started doing theatre, but I wasn't myself. The people I have met have shaped me into the person I am today.. Who just so happens to be exactly the person that I want to be.
Acting makes everything easier. It turns the awkward kid sitting alone at lunch into a social butterfly. Even though the "popular" kids are making fun of them, the kid is happy.
It helps you with school, at least the memorizing part. It also helps you realize that, yes, you are a loser. But, it's okay! Because you have your theatre people. They are the only people that truly matter. I met my best friend, my boyfriend, and all my amazing friends through theatre.
High School is four years of hell when you're on the theatre side of a sports school. But really,does it matter when you all grow up and move on with your lives? A lot of people who do actually care about that stuff in high school never move in.

Just realize that you're gonna be happy as they settle as a housewife.

-Alto

Faith

People have so much faith in me. Sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes it's a really bad thing.

Directors trust me. A lot. And I don't know why. But my old director informed me that someone always comments on my performances in shows. Which, ya know, makes my day. Even if I'm not a good part, I'm noticed.

"Forever the supporting character" is finally something I'm okay with.

-Alto

IS THIS A JOKE

You kiss my boyfriend. Cool.

I get over it when you talk to me and tell me that you're sorry and blah blah blah.

I start to trust you again.

You tell your friend you like him the day before you kiss him.

Then when he's not at rehearsal, you have the nerve to talk crap on him in front of me?

I've never wanted to punch someone so bad. This makes me so mad. I can even stand the girl that I've hated since 7th grade more than I can stand her any more.
At least I found out I was actually competition for her at music man auditions. That makes me happy. And got kicked out of the running for a stupid reason. Yes she's a good singer blah blah blah but I know something now :) muahahaha


-Alto

Love

That's a weird word. I had no idea what it meant. And honestly, I still don't. But the idea I have of it is perfect. He's the only guy that I feel like truly cares. He's the only guy who can make me laugh when I don't want to smile. I am and have been crazy about him for over a year now. He's the only guy I can imagine myself with. And I get it, he's leaving. I don't know what I'm gonna do then... But all I know is that this is how I feel about him now. I don't think he even gets how I feel about him.

Corbin.

-Alto

Trust.

See? This is why I stopped trusting people. My trust is always broken. I gained all respect back for her. Then the one day I don't have rehearsal, she gives him a love letter from her "character", then she's all over him. She doesn't even have enough respect to ONLY do it behind my back. I want to punch her. He's mine. I'm sorry, but I'm not handing him over that easily.

Iilwcaychhahfybdkcifndbshwicjd.

-Alto

Ethan

Ethan.

My best guy friend in the entire world.

He's amazing. He's talented. He's funny. He's.. Probably gay. But it's okay!

Ethan was the first person to ever call me their best friend and mean it. He's in college and he STILL tells people I'm his best friend.  All his new friends tell me that they've heard all about me which cracks me up since I talk about him to people that don't know him and they get annoyed.  We spent every day together. And we just get each other. I'm beyond proud of all of his accomplishments and I can't wait to spend every day with him this summer.

Best friend. Huh. I like that :)

-Alto

Update.

I haven't posted on my blog in a while. Aaaaand I don't know if that's a good thing of a bad thing. I mean, things seem to be going well. I still like my boyfriend, which is good. ;) Marya and I tie dyed and it went horribly, and gabby got a boyfriend! Whoop whoop.
CJ and I are becoming good friends again. Him and I were besties. BESTIEZ. We won't get to that level since his girlfriend hates me guys for no justified reason, but I'm cool with that! He loves her, and you can tell. Better news, my best friend messaged me on Facebook. Ill put that in a seperate blog :)

Stay classy.

-Alto