Hm.

Ouch. 

And that sums it up 

What..

Shut the fuck up. You're gonna throw away us being friends for how many years just because Katie is throwing a fit over me not inviting her to my party and not breaking up with Corbin when she said to? I've never been so mad at you. I told you that neither of us (katie or i) are right in the situation but you're only choosing to hear what you want to hear or what Katie has to say. I said "She can calm down, I don't take anyone's advice." And then you blow up at me for 'yelling at you'? God, please just stop. 

Truth

Truth is, I already miss you. 

And you aren't even gone. 

For a while there, I liked to pretend that you were going to be easy to replace. But I guess that was me trying to cope with the idea of being alone. And that's not me going all teenage girl crying about how she's "forever alone" and blah blah. But I'm literally losing my best friend. I've never been able to like a guy and remain calm and comfortable with him. No one knows me better. No one. 

I love the kid :/ 

It's me.

I don't know how to make anything last. It's gotta be me. I'm sorry that I'm such a fuck up. Id hate me too. 

Ending it there.

A heart to heart with a friend ended up turning into a lot of things I did not want to hear. I don't understand how you can look me in the eye and tell me that everyone hates you. I have done nothing but been the "big sister" (as you said) that you "always wanted." I made sure you were comfortable everywhere you went, IM the one who listened to you every time you would run off crying at EVERY SINGLE CAST PARTY. You were gonna kill yourself, at my party, because a guy said something stupid to you and you aren't friends with a girl who was your best friend anymore? Not to mention that everytime you disappeared, Bryce, Annie, and I would come look for you. When you ran away, we all split up to find you. People care about you and you need to see that. I dont know why you dont. Yes, everything is rough. But killing yourself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Jackson explained why he said what he did and it wasn't toward you at all. I was there. And just because nobody wanted to watch you do your drum major stuff for the 15th time that night, and we dont know anything about marching band so having a conversation with you last night was pretty rough, doesn't mean we don't care about you.

God, I dont know what else to do with you. And im scared for whats going to happen now that im not there 24/7.

Summer: The End.

So this is the part of the summer where everything turns to shit. Pretending that love the part I'm playing now is just me coping with the fact I didn't make one of my dream musicals, my boyfriend talks about me to his ex, and my life is just filled with everyone else's drama that I managed to get in the middle of. 

1. I'm glad I'm doing grease because I get to be there while Gabby is sandy. And I got a lot of dance experience. So that's cool. 

2. Um. No words about the ex thing. I've never been so mad about something in my entire relationship. 

3. Jackson. Jordan. Bryce. CJ. Sage. 

It's a total mess. And I'm right in the middle. Whoooooooooooo.

I'm having such a hard time. I don't even know what to do anymore :/ 

Positivity.

I've been super negative lately- so here's late night thought that's a good one.

Gabby- Shes great. She is doing amazing as Sandy and she's going places with CJ :) They're gonna fall in love and it's being great. And I get to say I made it happen since I may or may not have texted both of them telling them to make out with each other tomorrow and they both said "we'll see." It's gonna happen. And they're gonna be happy.

Corbz- I love him. And I regret ever wanting to break up with him or ever starting to listen to what people have to say because him and I are doing good now. And I like having someone that I can be so comfortable with. He means the world to me. He's not perfect. But he's all I want. He better know that too. I get insecure and yell at him so much.. But he needs to know that it's just because I do like him a lot and I get insecure about whether he likes me or not. 

He's also a dork, but he's my dork :) 

LNV

I don't like this whole dating in high school thing. It's kinda scary. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm totally happy! But it's soooo scary. All my friends think they're dating "the one." And id be lying if I said that I didn't ever think that sometimes. But it's scary that he's gonna be gone in less than a month. He's gonna go find some gorgeous girl in college and I'm gonna be here. Alone. Ouch. So that must be the super painful thing about dating in high school that I've heard about, but chose to ignore. My boyfriend does/doesn't do things that makes people mad. And they try to tell me that it means he doesn't like me or something. And maybe he doesn't, and he just likes my company. But I love the kid. And I don't want anyone else in the world to have him. 

Selfish post

.... No. 

Fucking no. 

No. 

NO. 

This makes me so mad but I'm just not gonna say anything.

Ill just sit back. 

Hint at it. 

And go from there.

But it pisses me off so much.

SO MUCH. 

Like..

NO.

No.

Noooo.

 FREAKING NO. 

So now you know exactly what's wrong with me. 

Carry on. 

Left in ruins.

I ruin everything I touch. 

Relationships with my best friend.

Relationships with new friends.

Relationship with my boyfriend

Relationships with my family. 

New friends: Jackson. We could be such good friends. But oh my god is he manipulative. That scares me. He has a way of wording things in a way that makes me feel small and wrong. But I strangely still want to be like his best friend. 

Family: THANKS DAD for telling me about the big party planned on the day of my party to meet my new cousin.. The baby of the two people that already hate me since I missed their wedding to do Alice in wonderland. 

Boyfriend: I love you. God, I love you. Please. Just love me back. 

Why

It's like a punch in the gut from the person you love more than anything in the world. You're my best friend. And I don't understand why we have to be like this with only a couple weeks left together. 

This sucks. 

Third

A best friend that I don't deserve. 

A boyfriend I don't deserve that's going away soon and it already feels like he's gone. 

School friends that haven't spoken to me all summer. 

Bath House friends that I'm gonna probably not talk to (most of them) until next year with most of the ones I'm closest to quitting.

A guy who was potentially going to be my new best guy friend turns into a dick and does everything possible just to piss me off. 

A best guy friend who is only there some of the time. 

My parents, who I never really had at all. 

Just to add

Just to add to this horrible week, my dads an ass, the only person I wanted to see the show can't, and I'm breaking out in tears in every situation. 

Worst week of my life.

I've had bad days. But never this many in a row. He's  a dick, she's a bitch, we need to get our stuff together, I miss you, and I can't take anymore. I don't wanna be here anymore :(  

Bullshit theatre stuff.

I work my butt off everyday out there. And I practice when I get home for a long time. This is so annoying. I completely changed my character and everyone LOVED it. And all I get was a "Oh I didn't notice you did anything differently." God. I'm tired of this. I'm good. Someone just pretend for a day that I am. That's all I want :/ 

Tired of it

One day, I'm gonna be in a show where I'm not playing background to some bitch who thinks/knows that she's better than everyone else. It's so annoying. I'm not as horrible as I feel that I am all the time because of these people. I'm just mad. And tired of all of this. 

Gabby.

She's doing amazing but she doesn't know it. We're all rooting for her. 

Cory ... ( I HAD TO )

I could not imagine. Being so attached to someone and them just being.. Gone. I pretend to be so independent, but I'm not. At all. It's rather pathetic. I need my best friend at all hours of the day. I want to feel like someone wants me so I sit and just wait for that one guy to text me. Love. God. I'm obsessed with hearing about it and I've felt it with those two people. I couldn't imagine getting the call saying that they were gone. Death scares me. Which is weird, because it used to be what I would always be thinking about. I thought no one wanted me and I was just a mistake. But no one should ever hate themselves or be stressed out enough to the point that they overdose and kill themselves. Especially someone who had so many who loved and admired him. I was obsessed with him. Not the character he played. 

What a guy. 

 

My favorites.

Hiding.

Being mad at my dumb old dad always makes me hide somewhere in my house so no one can find me. And it makes me think about everything since I hide for like 5 hours at a time. Things have gotten so much worse. Don't get me wrong, I have an awesome boyfriend, an amazing best friend, and people who make an effort to be in my life. But everything's just getting harder. Life seemed so easy when I could just like someone from a distance and not have people yelling at me for it. I used to be able to walk in a room and I would get to pick what part I wanted in a show. I used to have someone sitting there telling me that I'm good and also helping me to make myself the best I can be. I used to never get mad. I would never get too mad at people and when I did, I didn't talk about it to other people. I'm depressed. And I was able to hide it so well. Everyone thought I was some fun person who's really just a mess. I just want everyone to like me and this year, I've kinda kicked out the people who I just realized are bad to me. And that's a lot of people. I can't believe I've been so oblivious. 

I can a hundred more things wrong with me but I'm gonna pretend there's nothing wrong with me for the next few hours. Pretend that there's no reason to hate myself. 

Make up your mind.

I'm not gonna sit here and be treated like this. Just because you're in a bad mood, I don't need it taken out on me. You need to decide what you want from me. Because you expect more than I can give, but treat me like I'm 5. 

I want out. 

I've met a few.

Me

I literally hate everything about myself. When I think I like something, it ends up being someone else in my life bringing something out in me that I like temporarily, and that doesn't count. I'm annoying. I'm not very smart. I'm beyond hideous. I'm fat. And I used to think I was so good and I'm not. I'm embarrassed of myself. Like being around people legitimately makes me insecure and embarrassed. I've never had a relationship with someone that I didn't screw up at least once. I don't see anything that anyone sees in me. And that leaves me with nothing. 

Absolutely nothing. 

Him.

He's just... So perfect. Well, he's not perfect. But he is to me. He's my best friend in the entire world. And I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. When he sang his little solos, my friends all looked at me and winked. I was so proud to be his girlfriend. I AM so proud to be his girlfriend. He's the best thing to have ever happened to me. 

I'm in love with you, Corbin Eakes. 

Promise to myself.

From here on out, when I commit myself to something, Im going to DEDICATE myself to it. 

And I mean that in a few situations. Situations like rehearsal. I'm going to sit down and shut up. Ill do my job and only screw around when screwing around is okay. Relationships. Whether boyfriend or best friend, I'm gonna be consistent. I only date people if truly do like them (which is why I have only dated one person). I already do that but I want to make sure I keep that up if we break up soon. I don't want to be that friend who's only SOMETIMES there. 

I'm done feeling unhappy with myself. If I just give everything my all, there's nothing to feel bad about.

Here we go.

Stressed

I'm happy. I'm really, truly happy. But I'm stressed. Stressed out. Tired of feeling like my existence doesn't really impact anybody's lives. Maybe my worst fear is gonna come true. I'm gonna be forgotten. Even when I'm alive. 

The best book I ever read.

“Thomas Edison's last words were 'It's very beautiful over there'. I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful.” 

----------------

“So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.” 

----------------

“I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.” 

------------

“What the hell is that?" I laughed.

"It's my fox hat."

"Your fox hat?"

"Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat."

"Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked.

"Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.” 

----------

“They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.” 

-------------

“What is an "instant" death anyway? How long is an instant? Is it one second? Ten? The pain of those seconds must have been awful as her heart burst and her lungs collapsed and there was no air and no blood to her brain and only raw panic. What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. Instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding an hour. I doubt that an instant of blinding pain feels particularly instantaneous.” 

---------------

“It always shocked me when I realized that I wasn’t the only person in the world who thought and felt such strange and awful things.” 

-----------------

“It's not because I want to make out with her."

"Hold on-" 

He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. 

"I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit” 

----------------

“He was gone, and I did not have time to tell him what I had just now realized: that I forgave him, and that she forgave us, and that we had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth. There were so many of us who would have to live with things done and things left undone that day. Things that did not go right, things that seemed okay at the time because we could not see the future. If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can’t know better until knowing better is useless. And as I walked back to give Takumi’s note to the Colonel, I saw that I would never know. I would never know her well enough to know her thoughts in those last minutes, would never know if she left us on purpose. But the not-knowing would not keep me from caring, and I would always love Alaska Young, my crooked neighbor, with all my crooked heart.” 

---------------

“I am going to take this bucket of water and pour it on the flames of hell, and then I am going to use this torch to burn down the gates of paradise so that people will not love God for want of heaven or fear of hell, but because He is God.” 

---------------

“Sometimes I don't get you,' I said.

She didn't even glance at me. She just smiled toward the television and said, "You'll never get me. That's the whole point."

---------------

“That didn’t happen, of course. Things never happened the way I imagined them.” 

------------------

“I hated sports. I hated sports, and I hated people who played them, and I hated people who watched them, and I hated people who didn't hate people who watched or played them.” 

-------------------

“People, I thought, wanted security. They couldn't bear the idea of death being a big black nothing, couldn't bear the thought of their loved ones not existing, and couldn't even imagine themselves not existing. I finally decided that people believed in an afterlife because they couldn't bear not to.” 

------------------

“We need never be hopeless because we can never be irreperably broken.” 

-------------------

“Someday no one will remember that she ever existed, I wrote in my notebook, and then, or that I did. Because memories fall apart, too. And then you're left with nothing, left not even with a ghost but with its shadow. In the beginning, she had haunted me, haunted my dreams, but even now, just weeks later, she was slipping away, falling apart in my memory and everyone else's, dying again.” 

---------------

“I'm sorry. I know you loved her. It was hard not to.” 

----------------

“I know so many last words. But I will never know hers.” 

-----------------

“Why don’t we break up? I guess I stay with her because she stays with me. And that’s not an easy thing to do.” 

------------------

“You're awfully philosophical for a girl that just got busted.” 

-------------------

“We are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be.” 

--------------------

“I'm really not up for answering any questions that start with how, when, where, why or what.” 

-------------------

“We are engaged here in the most important pusuit in history. The search for meaning. What is What is the nature of being a person? What is the best way to go about being a person?How did we come to be, and wha will become of us when we are no longer? In short: What are the rules this game, and how might we best play it?”

------------------

"I hated listening to everyone else stumble on their words and try to phrase things in the vaguest possible way so they wouldn’t sound dumb."

-------------------

“Oh shit did you just dis the feminine gender

I'll pummel your ass then stick you in a blender

You think I like Tori and Ani so I can't rhyme

But I got flow like Ghostbusters got slime

Objectify women and it's fuckin' on

You'll be dead and gone like ancient Babylon.” 

-------------

“It is worth it to leave behing my minor life for grander maybes

-----------------

“It was not enough to be the last guy she kissed. I wanted to be the last one she loved. And I knew I wasn’t. I knew it, and I hated her for it. I hated her for not caring about me. I hated her for leaving that night, and I hated myself , too, not only because I let her go but because if I had been enough for her, she wouldn’t have even wanted to leave. She would have just lain with me and talked and cried, and I would have listened and kissed at her tears as they pooled in her eyes.” 

------

P.S. Fulfilling

IM GETTING BOOBS.

(An important thing I forgot)

Fulfilling

That fulfilling moment when you don't dance, but you got casted with all these people who are dancers and you are actually keeping up with them.

That fulfilling moment when everybody in BH likes you and trusts you. 

That fulfilling moment when the guy that you feel like you can't live without decided that getting back together was a good idea, and you did :)

That fulfilling moment when you taught your little sister to say "mess." 

That fulfilling moment when you can actually be happy with your voice. I've always hated my singing voice but now... I'm not as bad as I always seem to think I am.

That fulfilling moment when you and your brother don't fight anymore and he's turning into more of a best friend than a brother. 

That fulfilling moment when people are happy for me. There's always been people who believe in me. But now.. I see it. 

:) 

Betrayed

I seriously cannot believe that you did that. Sage we were really good friends. You're legit just ruining things now. And I don't know if it's on accident. Ugh. The one kid I never would have thought to be this mad at. 

Wjxkdkdkdmdjahuwicnfksdi.

Coping.

I just want everything to go back to the way it was. How am I supposed to see him without wanting to just bury myself in his arms? I can't. For the past couple days I wrote stuff ALL OVER my script while I was in the tech booth. Ive almost filled a notebook, finished the journal, and practiced every song I would need for the next year. I've ran an hour each night and basically just used that time to talk to myself. I've been going to bed early so I didn't have to think.. 

I'm a wreck. I know I'm in high school. And I don't know what "love" is. And there's soooo many other guys out there. But come on. This was different and everyone knew that. Everyone KNOWS that. Ethan apologized. Bailey kind of apologized. The two main people- they knew. If I wasn't such an idiot, we'd be okay. 

Memories

The memory jar I made on New Years is over flowing. Won't be able to make it until December. 

What the fuzk.

If I cry one more time..

I'm so selfish. And I'm done feeling sorry for myself. Not making a show is no one else's fault but mine. Not making another show-emphasizing the last thing. Ouch. Breaking up with someone. Totally my fault. Being the most untalented person in grease and needing to step it up, my fault. Being huge but not doing much about it. Entirely my fault.

I'm done feeling sorry for myself and I need to fix all this. I'm done feeling like this. I'm fucking tired of myself. 

Miserable.

Although both parties are super upset, it's almost nice to know that. Nice to know that because we were doing something right. We liked each other, and that's why we were together. 

I'm thinking of posting the journal I made throughout the whole thing, but idk yet.