Fuuuuu

I love you. 

I don't care about adjusting. What happened to not wasting ANY time? BlehhhskakzisnxnxnxmKeiduxn. 

Acceptance.

And this is where I know that I did it for the other people. I had all the right things to say, but that's not why I did it. And now I have to live with that. Best friends. I love that. Not as much as I loved being with him. But..

I'm still wondering how I'm gonna be so close to him tomorrow singing songs and having to talk and smile before without sobbing. Sobbing because its been 7 hours. And I already miss him. 7 hours and I regret every word that came out of my mouth. 7 hours and.. I'm not sure I can do it. 

Regret.

It's literally been like an hour and a half and I'm dying. Already. Did I do this for myself? Did I do it for him? Did I do it for other people? 

Now I'm just alone. And it's all my fault. I can't believe... 

Did this to myself.

I can sit here and just talk about how sad I am, but it's my fault. I just let the only person I've ever loved go. That was literally the hardest thing I've ever done. But it was for the better. For the better because people are bitches. For the better because I'm psycho. For the better because he doesn't deserve this. 

And so I finished my journal on him today. This wasn't the happy ending I wanted, but the story was more than I could have ever hoped for.

Gabby

(I tried to post this 2 days ago and it didnt publish)

Gabby Marmon-

Thank you. Thank you for doing absolutely anything and everything for me. You really mean the world to me. Just know that I would do anything and everything  for you. You know- once I get a car (July 5th) it'll all be better ;) 

I love you so much and can't wait for the rest of our adventures :) 

Raaaaant.

You're just too good for me. I don't deserve you. It's selfish of me to have gone this long without realizing this. The fact that you've been here this long has meant the world and more to me. And I meant it when I said that I love you. All people are doing is trying to tear us apart. You're at a different time in your life and I understand that. But I love you. And I want you as long as I can have you.

Used to.

I used to think I was on top of the world. I got whatever part I wanted, everyone loved me, boys liked me, and everything was going the way I wanted it to. Now.. I don't get parts except the ones I've played over and over again, I can't tell if people actually like me, boys still like me but it gets me in trouble, and everything's falling apart. I don't know what to do or how to fix it. And it's killing me. 

Change

There's nothing anymore. Nothing's working out. Nothing's even remotely going the way I planned. I'm losing everyone and the people I have are slipping away or changing into the person I did not want them to be. The friends I'm hanging out with in a couple days are great, it's just new. Hunter and Ashley and I are really good friends I just don't know. Then my best friend doesn't talk to me unless it's about endin my relationship or how wonderful his life is. I could say so much more but I'm done

Happy Monday

Happy Monday. 

That shitty day when you're always alone and you have nothing to do but look for reasons to hate yourself. I'm not gonna list them because I've already filled a notebook. But lets just say God better have a kick ass plan for me with all the shit he's been throwing at me lately.

Mistake

People need to stop getting involved with other people's business. I don't care if you think I'm making a mistake. If it is a mistake, let me make it. Let me learn. Because if it is, it's the best "mistake" I've ever made. I'm tired of being told how everything's gonna turn out when no one knows. 

The waiting games.

We'll just have to see how things work out. How things go. What's gonna happen? I have no idea. It's freaking me out, but I knew it was coming. 

Ill be fine...

Ill. Be. Fine.

Yes

Rant 2.0

I'm tired of feeling worthless. 

I'm tired of telling people my problems.

I'm tired of my parents.

I'm tired of everything. 

I cling on to people who care about me even if they're just pretending because they're all I have left. Having 4 kids at the ages we are was the worst possible idea ever. I don't want a lot of attention from my parents but I want something. They don't even know who I play in grease.  This is such a bad summer. I'm used to doing 3 plays... And I only made one of them. How's that for feeling like shit? 

Blackberry Winter

Blackberry winter comes without a warning

Just when you think that spring's around to stay

So you wake up on a cold rainy morning 

And wonder what in earth became of May.

Blackberry winter only lasts a few days. 

Just long enough to get you feeling sad 

When you think of all the love that you wasted

On someone whom you never really had.

 Ill never get over losing you, but I've had to learn

That life goes on.

And the memories grow dim like a half forgotten song.

Til a blackberry winter reminds me you are gone. 

And I get so lonely.

Most of all in the spring time. 

I wish I could enjoy the first of may. 

But I know it means that blackberry winter is not too far away. 

No words.

16 years, I've been sick. Panic attacks and being beyond depressed. Attempting to kill myself when I was younger then realizing that I can't, so I tried to find everything possible pain that could be worse than being myself. 16 years they've ignored it. So in the end, is this my fault? That two  people raised an even more fucked up child? Even worse, they just let every day go by not having a clue as to who I am or anything I've been through. I'd run away if I had anywhere to go. Theatre is the only thing that's keeping me sane. It makes me the "me" I want to be instead of the mess I am. My parents think they know everything there is to know. Okay, mom and dad. How many times have I tried to kill myself? How long have I been depressed? 

How long are you gonna chose to fucking ignore it? 

Rant

If you told me a year ago that this is how it would be, I would have told you that you were wrong. 

Things aren't working out at all like I want it to. Didnt make les mis, which sucks. Didnt make fools. Which kills me every day. Every day I have to be reminded of it. The fact that the only reason I got parts was because of Jo H. It had nothing to do with "talent." It was just pure favoritism. :/ Then I can't get more attached to my boyfriend (if that's possible) because he's gonna be busy starting in a couple weeks then he's going to college. I'm not doing BH no matter what next year so my last show is freaking grease the school version.. Ughhhhh. Well. 

I have nothing to look forward to any more. 

This isn't it.

I just had a revelation, kinda. To the point where I realize that this isn't it. This. Isn't. It. 

I have other places to go and people to meet. This isn't it. 

I'm so mad, but for some reason, I'm happy at the same time. 

Far far away.

I want to be as far away from this hell hole as possible. 

I wish I was born into a family with parents who know what they're doing and don't treat me like crap all of the time. I'm beyond done. :/ 

What a shitty night. 

Oh my god.

And now I'm home. Begging for someone to change my light bulb because my room is pitch black and I can't see ANYTHING. So instead of doing it, they say they have to finish watching a baseball game. I'm in the basement practicing my forensics piece for next year... The games over. They went to bed...

Hm. I'm the favorite. 

What..

I felt bad that my dad was going to end up driving home by himself because all the other kids picked the other car. He told me I couldn't go with him because he didnt have room then called my 6 year old sister over and quietly told her she could ride with him.

Ouch. 

Father's Day

Well. I hope you all had a great Father's Day. Mine was spent alone in my room because my dad said one thing to me and it was asking me to get him a drink. So. Um. Yeah. Great relationship I got going there. 

I want out. I want to be as far away as possible from them. Someone just make me famous and take me away. With enough autotune, I can sing pop shit. 

When you're ready come and get it 

(Nah nah nah... No.) o

Phone

I texted Corbin and Bryce and then set my phone down...

Now I have no idea where it is. This should be fun. 

It continues.

It gets scarier and scarier as time goes on. One little thing happens, no matter what, and I find myself relentlessly beating myself up about it. Over thinking and ..other things are  starting to kill me. 

Slowly, but surely.  

Freaked out.

That was by far the scariest conversation I've ever had. Mostly because it seemed so real. That THAT is going to be my life. Scary, but yes. That's it.  

I'm not the girl that gives up on what she wants- so we'll see how this goes. 

Those days.

I hate those days.

When you have a somewhat decent day, then you get home and everything feels like its crashing down. When you feel like its impossible that anyone could possibly care about you and every plan that you've ever had for your future could never possibly work out. And the people who pretend to be your friends really don't like you. And you feel like THAT kid. The one that no one really likes but is nice to. My life.

:)

Ethan

Literally don't know what I would do without this guy. 

I don't know

First choice

I'm giving in. 

I need the meds. I need something to feel normal again. 

Class of 2015 (200th post)

If one more popular kid from my school puts up a status about not bullying people and not changing yourself to fit in, I'm literally going to flip out. They pretend like they're bullied and blah blah blah when they don't know know the pure hell they put me through when I was younger while I just tried to be with them. Being the girl that everyone liked and hung out with but wouldn't do it in big groups thinking it was "not cool" to be around me. And then none of them has had a consistent personality throughout the two

short years we've had at Hayden. So freaking done. They just need to accept that they aren't good people. So mad. 

Help.

I need it. I'm not bipolar, so that's good.  But I'm getting worse. So much worse. I don't know what to do because my moms only solution is pills. Being artificially happy doesn't sound too inviting. Bleh. It's just randomly my body tells me that I'm beyond unhappy and it just gives up. The panic attacks get worse and I stress over literally everything.

I don't know what to do. 

:))))))

I'm not perfect. 

At all. Like.. At all. But I'm gonna be here as long as you want me. As long as you need me. Because it takes a lot for people to really mean something to me. And I mean a LOT. So me saying that I "love" something is actually a big deal. Even if it's just like 

"I love those shoes." 

"I love my job."

"I love dogs." < this is kind of a lie I hate little dogs I want a medium sized one. But that's not the point. 

God I'm just really happy with the way things are going. Work. The friends im making. Honestly, the attention. The boy. Little Women. The fact Im getting way less insecure. 

Take that Depression, you bitch. 

Text

When you wake up to 5 messages from people who you truly care about thanking you for the things you've done and being you. 

It means more than anything to me. I haven't felt like this for a long time. 

:)

Life

Smiling when you feel like the world is crashing down is really hard. But it's become an everyday thing recently.

I care. I DO give a shit, mom and dad. You sitting there telling me how much I don't care makes everything worse. Listen to me. Please. I don't know what else to do. 

Feeling like you just put on something shitty even though you gave it everything you had when the time given.

Boys being boys. I'm not even pretty.  And my personality isn't exactly one that attracts. So I don't know where all these guys are coming from. 

Girls. I hate girl drama. Showing why my favorite part of the night was talking to sage Corbin and Bryce. 

Bath House has legitamately been my life over the past four years.  I put pride in it. Even If I hate them sometimes, I grew up with these people. They all have a special place in my heart. Watching them leave sucks but knowing what they're doing with themselves is awesome. Seeing my "bath house boys" growing up is killing me. I'm older than them.. So I'm getting older. And this isn't always gonna be there.. I'm gonna have to find something else to devote every bit of my being to. And I don't know how I'm gonna do that.

Ugh

You make me feel like shit more than you do make me feel good about myself.

I'm so fucking confused. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think wow but then I think well, I never want to talk to you again.

#bipolarprobz 

Reason

Lately a lot of people have been trying to end it, so I wrote down all the reasons I'm not ending it or wanting it to end. 

He's so sweet when he wants to be. 

Never been closer to anyone.

The pure thought of what's gonna happen when he leaves kills me.

His perfect smile. 

The way he can make my day just by looking at me. 

The repeated shirts he wears all the time. 

His singing voice. 

Kissing him. 

The fact that he really is my best friend. 

The battle between him and Ethan. 

Those eyes.

How nerdy he is. 

Everything. 

 

He once made the comment that it's weird that someone feels this way about him, but he better get used to it. 

Ouch

... Ouch. 

That's the only words I know to get across the way I feel right now.

June 2nd.

Well. This day went from calm.. To not so calm. Some people found out some stuff they were never supposed to know. I feel horrible. None of you deserve me. In a bad way. I'm not worth your time. 

I'm sorry. 

Lullaby

Baby, sing me to sleep

Painful memories

When you say that you need me

You save me

From leaving things that I might need

But the missing piece

Is out of my reach

But I don't mind

If you can't be with me all of the time

So be on your way

That is not what I wanted to say

I just want you

And I need you to stay

Baby, sing me to sleep

Drunken melodies

When you say that you love me

Well, maybe

I need a guarantee

Cause the way you speak, 

You're scaring me

But I don't mind

If you can't be with me all of the time

So be on your way

That is not what I wanted to say

I just want you

And I need you to stay

And I know, I know

That it won't be long

Til you come running, righting the wrongs

Ignoring the light, to swallow the fright

To make it in time to keep me safe tonight

Baby, sing me to sleep

No apologies

When you say that you love me

But I don't mind

If you can't be with me all of the time

So be on your way

That is not what I wanted to say

I just want you

And I need you to stay

But

Well.

Some more things happened to me. Well. Yeah. Like, lets just say things have happened making it harder to be happy.  But like... I need to go to the doctor because its not getting better and people  are starting to notice. 

But. 

These past couple days have been awesome. Bath house is back. I know I was upset about not making the show, but the effort to keep me there was much appreciated. Then I got cast as the fat girl in grease so um Ill be trying to lose weight. Haha, but I'm dating one of my good friends in the show and we're gonna be adorable. And not to mention I've got to spend a lot of time with that cute boy for the past couple days AND ill be working with him during fools :)

Getting better. It's gonna happen.

-Alto