Rejection 2.0

Here we go again. Rejected. Even with them adding two extra parts. What happened? Why am I not good enough anymore? This was supposed to be MY summer. But now I know it's not jut me not getting good parts because Krista is there. My year has gone a 17 lined Maid, background to Krista, nothing, and nothing. Pretty amazing résumé I got there. I'm not good enough anymore. If I get a good part tomorrow, it's strictly out of pity, because she did feel bad. 

This sure boosts my confidence. Last year in bath house and I'm.. Not in bath house.

Let it all out

In good news- Scotty is back and is already telling me about our life plans. So that's cool. Ethan is... Still sassy.  Braxton started texting me again. Josh Isnt coming back for another week. Um.

Thennnnn

I'm not prepared for my auditions this week. I thought I had somewhat of a chance for fools and at least a pink lady in grease. But nope. I'm gonna read the script tonight but I don't have an audition    song so lets just forget about it.

My dad hates my guts and doesnt do a good job of hiding it. I'm really nothing like my family. I'm like.. The ginger. And it sucks.

My boyfriends just.. Gone. And I hate it. He's doing good things but it sucks at the same time. The longer he's gone, the more I miss him, the more insecure I get. Lets just say it's just under it's all time high. (The all time high being music man... Bleh.)

I'm literally home alone, watching a scary movie, by myself. I'm absolutely pathetic.

Even my parents don't want to talk to me. My brother just makes fun of me for being fat all the time. My dad keeps telling me to stop looking so stupid by crying all the time. And the only thing my mom has said to me for the past 6 months, her preparing me for Corbin to break up with me. 

---side blog------

           I went to lunch with my mom                --       Yesterday and I told her that I've    --        Been experiencing some               --        Problems lately and she just           --        Ignored the fact I'm sick and just.    --        Assumed it was him or I'm just.     --       Selfish. :/ 

Well, it can only go up from here...

Blehczx

Literally everything makes me hate myself lately. My hair looks awful, Isi and nick texting me about the AWESOME time they're having at Les Mis, my dad getting upset with my pure existence, being tired all the time, having so much to say but not being able to say it, knowing I'm setting myself up for disaster, and im literally just sitting here waiting for it to end. 

Happy summer.

-Alto

Done

I don't believe you anymore. I never did, but now I've just accepted that I don't. So please, stop wasting my time. If you don't wanna talk to me, don't. If you ask about me, don't make fun of it. If you're gonna say that you'll always be there, be there. I'm fucking done. 

Have fun with all your other little "friends."

Reminiscing

I'm trying to get to the bottom of this. 

Figuring out what's wrong with me.

And I don't like writing it down, because it means me remembering it. Recalling these things that made me feel small. Smaller than I ever have before. I've spent the past two weeks writing it all down. I have 

The Future notebook

The Corbin notebook

The Parents notebook 

And The Journal.

I'm dying. This night took an ugly turn.

-Alto

Rock bottom or should I say... Bikini bottom.

Not really 

But i get so upset about everything now. Like.. Did you ever notice that Spongebob avoids major problems? Like Spongebob just got in a space ship and crashed through sandy's dome-thing letting water in and her, a land animal, is all like over there all calm NOT LIKE SHE'S GONNA DROWN OR ANYTHING. Then Spongebob has no idea where he's going so he just goes obviously and he gets lost, crashes in the middle of nowhere where there happens to be a cafe and then he goes in, looking for Patrick, only to find a different starfish, then the next scene he's back home. UM NO SPONGEBOB. Your spaceship crashed. You couldn't have gotten home that fast.

Goodness.

-Alto

My boyfriend.

I don't know how or why this kid puts up with me, but I'm glad he does.

I stayed home tonight and wrote. Wrote everything down. One notebook is completely dedicated to him. Everything from 6th grade Tori to make out mishaps to 10 minutes ago. ;) 

I've loved every second of him being apart of my life. Couldn't have asked for anyone better.

-Alto

Drenched sweater sleeve.

I've always been confident. I've always been there for other people when they were breaking. I'm the best listener that there is. It's not fair for them to see me like this. It's embarrassing. 3 years. A journal lasted me 3 years and the last part of that, a blog. Then. Here I am. Broken. And I can't explain why. I don't know how to explain something I can't understand myself. I also can't tell my parents. Because I was doing dishes and I started sobbing. For no reason. No idea why. The tears stopped me from talking. Choking everytime I tried to speak. My parents saw it as me trying to get out of it so.. i cant tell them.Something's wrong with you when you can just sit there and not think about your life, only the things wrong with you, and find yourself sitting in the same spot for 3 hours talking to yourself about that topic and everything wrong with it. I'm letting everyone down and it's killing me. I can't thank Ethan, who knows nothing, enough for the things he said to me today. And Gabby. For making sure I wasn't pouting instead of really not being able to go. Ahhhh. I'm letting down my baby Aidan too but I can't talk about that without wanting to punch myself in the face. 

Cmowmtthswm;lmmtyelab

-Alto 

Marissa

Ethans friend in new yorks name is Marissa. She was on shrek on broadway and shes absolutely amazing and talented and wow. Well, ive been hardcore creeping on her. She is brilliant. Im obsessed.

Shes even met Sutton foster. Consider yourself stalked, Marissa.

-Alto

Positive

I have bath house auditions next week.

I get to go on a date with Aidan and bebe and Corbin. 

I've lost 6 pounds this month

I'm happy with my face without make up.

I only straightened my hair 10 times this month.

Got myself to curl it twice.

I've got a super cute boyfriend.

I bought a dress off of forever21.

My favorite muppets movie is on tv.

My sister decided to like me today.

I've almost learned someone like you on the piano.

My new ukulele capo came in the mail.

My nails are pink :)

Brett messaged me. Meaning he didnt forget about me.

Bryce and CJ are finally calling and texting me getting ready for the summer.

I found some even redder red lipstick. 

I made my bed this morning.

I bet this was boring to read but I feel better.

To answer your question

To answer your question, Im not okay. But it's nothing I feel that I can talk about yet until I understand it myself. It's not your guys fault. 

I truly love you guys.

-Alto

This.

Dreamz

When I'm older- 

I wanna get out of Topeka. I wanna walk out of the theater where I graduate and not stop until I get to the car. I wanna go. Fast. I wanna get my stuff packed that night to go to college. I may have to find a new dream college because the one I want to go to either requires you to be a freaky genius or in financial trouble. Neither of which I am. BUT. You know what that means. I can set higher standards for myself. I'm just so excited to get out there.Ethan already told me i could stay with him in new york.  I want to be able to pick out my own clothes. I want to be able to go wherever I want when I want. I want to throw parties whenever. Yeah there's bad stuff but focusing just on the good stuff makes it seem so magical. 

Gah. Growing up. It's coming and I'm SO ready for it.

-Alto

Promise

I used to be Tori the theatre kid. That's all I was associated with. I would get all the leads and everyone would be super jealous of me. But now, I'm constantly in chorus and weird parts. Parts that people try to boost my self esteem by saying they're important when I know they really aren't important at all. 

Give me one summer. That's all I need. By the end of this summer I am gonna be exactly what people want to see out of me. 

That's a promise. 

-Alto

Tonight

Im gonna go to my room.

And im not gonna come out until tomorrow. Maybe not even tomorrow.

I just need to clear my mind and get over this horrible feeling.
Texting is fine, go for it. But if you're texting me to yell at me, save it until sunday.

Thanks guys.

-Alto

What....

Oh my god. Ohhhhh my god.

Ohhhhhh my godddnesssss

Shoot

Crap

Oh no

Please

No

NO

Bleh.

Why. Please. 

SJXHDNSHXUEJIRBF 

Why

Why do I do this to myself? 

I have so many people who believe in me. So many. People who care about me and will do anything for me. They see something in me that I can't. If I could just freaking be half the person they want to see instead of letting everyone down all the time. I can't cry myself to sleep every night.

Good night, goooood night.

-Alto

I'm sorry.

I'm in a really bad place right now mentally.

So if I take it out on you, just stop texting me, hang up on me, whatever. Because its no ones fault but mine. 

I'm a mess, and it's only getting worse from here.

-Alto

Christopher

If you like him/her, tell them. Right now. 

Having your old best friend call you crying because he doesn't think his girlfriend likes him is painful. Because I get the feeling. I understand. And when I feel that way, I text mine and tell him that I like him. Because maybe if he doesn't like me anymore, it reminds him that I do and maybe he'll remember when he did. 

But this isn't about me. I just want CJ okay again. He's an amazing guy and I want him happy. 

Gonna go kick some B.C. butt. 

Eventually.

You can't let people get away with going around telling people they're ugly, not funny, untalented, gross, any of that. Because eventually, they're gonna believe it. And then they could be gone. Forever. And those assholes that made them believe it aren't going to care at all and act all sad when something happens  just so THEY don't look bad. If me stopping you from saying the horrible things you say about people  makes you turn on me, that's okay. I already have no hope. Ill be fine. But leave the other people alone.

People are awful.

-Alto

Warning

BH

I'm having one of those days where I hate everything about myself. 

My hair is a mess. I'm like 1,000,000 pounds. My voice sounds horrible rehearsing my audition song. I failed my lit test. Gonna fail my biology test.  I'm done with myself. Summer is when I like myself. Bath house is all I need. I hope it's not different. I mean, half the people are gone, so that sucks. But I need the bath house that makes you feel good about yourself. The bath house that doesn't care if something's wrong with you. Te bath house that cares about YOU. 

I hate Hayden more than anything in the world.

-Alto

Whooooo.

I'm so proud of him. Everything he does. Everything he is. 

I proudly point him out to my friends saying "That's my boyfriend." 

He's great. Everything I could possibly want. I love him so much. He's probably extremely tired of hearing it because I tell him all the time. 

I'm holding onto this feeling as long as I can. Because it's summer. And we all know what talk is coming soon. The talk that I'm probably not gonna like. 

But for now. He's the best. The. Best.

-Alto

THIS IS THE BLOG, GABBERZ.

I cut the inappropriate ones. But gabby- GUESS WHO WROTE THIS. 

(You'll die.) 

(Hint: it's not a girl.....)

60 Things Guys Should Know About Girls 

1) For all we talk about how hot guys are. We mostly care about there personalities.

2) We are just as shy as you are about relationships.


7) We travel in groups for one of two reasons 1) because we want to share some form of gossip with each other or get advice on something 2) B/c we don't want to get caught by ourselves with you because we won't know what to say and are afraid we'll make a fool of ourselves 

8) MOST girls spend about 15% of the time thinking about a specific guy, 20% thinking about us with tht guy, 25% thinking of how to get that guy to notice us and what to say when we do, 30% of the time TALKING about that guy (even if someone else isn't listening), and 10% of our time doing something else

10) Most girls are under the impression that guys only want skinny girls. So girls get really insecure. Eating disorders develop. If a girl goes that far, love her. Tell her she's perfect. If she thought she had to go that far for you, she loves you.

12) Girls love being called babe.

14) Most girls will drop lots of hints to tell you that they like you, but won't come right out and say" I like you" or "I love you". If you think they like you, there is a good chance they like you.

17) Girls love to feel special, even though they might not show it 


20) Girls love it when a guy pulls them close by the waist 

21) Most girls like a guy that will willing dance with them, even if he doesn't know how 

22) Usually, when a girl is sarcastically mean to you, it means they're attracted to you, but are afraid that they'll be showing too much 

24) Some girls can think about their crushes for 18+ hours straight. No exaggeration 

25) When a guy says something really sentimental, girls will remember it forever 

26) Girls get embarrassed easily, even if guys don't know what the hell just happened. 

27) Girls daydream about their crushes ALL the time. They just don't show it. 

28) When a girl is upset and wants you to listen, she wants you to listen. She doesn't need you to fix it or tell her how to. She just wants you to listen. 

29) When a girl is crying, she feels a lot safer if you pull her close and tell her that everything is going to be all right. And more likely than not, it will endear them to you more than anything else. 

30) Girls love it when guys say their name 

31) Girls love confidence. But not too much confidence. 

33) Girls hate it when other girls flirt. Yet they flirt themselves too. Ah, the beauty of irony 


35) Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook. 


37) No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe to us. Not because we don't like your taste in women, because believe me WE do! its just that...we don't want to have to wonder if she is better than us. And if she is a hoe, we are better. So it makes things simple for us. 

38) We are self-conscious by nature; we can't help it. But we CAN try and hide it.

 

40) As far as you are concerned, we are beautiful at all times, and don't tell us different, unless you make it sound like a compliment (even if it isn't) Like, "You were really pretty yesterday when you wore -insert clothing/accessory here-, I think you should wear that more often" 

41) Whatever you do, don't just show up at our house unexpected.

42) DON'T CHEAT ON US. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be dirt. 

43) We want you to beware of every male relative and all guy friends. All of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat. We just don't want you to be too obvious. 

44) We enjoy being kissed by you in front of your friends. It makes us feel like you care a lot about us. 

45) You don't have PMS; so don't act like you know what it's like. Don't try to understand...believe me you never will. 

46) Violent statements like "If that guy keeps looking at you, I'm going to tear his head off" are appealing 

47) We don't want you to say you love us if you don't mean it 

48) We love it when you make eye contact with us while we talk. 


51) Most girls love it when guys ask them for advice. 

52) Girls like it when you tell us what you are thinking, even if you don't understand it yourself 

53) After you've been dating for a while, realize that we really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond 

54) If she doesn't like that bitch, don't talk to that bitch in front of her. Don't hang out with that bitch. Be all over her when that bitch is in the room.

55.) Make out with her. Tell her you love her, then do it. Don't do it all the time, make it special. Pull her back in when you want to

56) Most men think the chase ends once they have us, but truly it has only just began.You must work even harder to keep us then you do you earn us. We not some trophy you can earn,put on a shelf and admire. You have to care for us like the living human beings we are. You have to tell her you love her all the time. Tell her everyday. Girls are so insecure. YOU HAVE TO FUCKING TELL THEM EVERYDAY. (See 59)

57) Take her on walks. Her perfect date is being with you. You don't have to be doing anything special or expensive.

59)The woman in your life needs to hear how you feel about her, and often. Tell her now 

60)All women are complicated, and it is doubtful any man will ever fully be able to understand us.But we know that, so its going to be ok. 

Kids.

My kid will have everything. 

If my kid is a girl, they will get roses for their birthday. They'll get as many as the age that they are turning that year. My dad used to do that and it was the sweetest thing ever. Ill make the dad do it, of course. Because that's a lot sweeter.

My kid will have cute clothes and will wear pigtails every day.

If my kid is a boy, he will wear sweater vests when he's young and slick his hair to the side. It's the cutest thing ever. 

They'll play piano, and take dance. Two things I wish I would have continued. 

If I have multiple, one will NEVER feel more or less important than the other. They'll be equal, and they'll know it. Nothing's worse than feeling like no one loves you. Having more kids means making a special effort for each and every one.

Having two of my siblings coming in crying about how they think no one likes them isn't fun. At least they have me, because they don't have anyone else. It makes me wanna be better than my parents.

That's all I want.

-Alto

Problem.

My parents- I like my mom. A lot. She's great, she's funny. She doesn't like to boost my confidence, at all. So that kinda hurts. But she's really great. Then, there's my dad. Um. Yeah.

My brother- He can be my best friend in the entire world. He'll talk about anything and everything with me. It's great! But he gets really mad sometimes. To the point where he doesn't seem to be able to control himself. And it's scary. I would also never accuse him of this to his face, but I think he's gay. And I'm not trying to be funny in saying that. Overall he's really fun.

Theatre- I have 0 confidence until tech week. I wouldn't consider myself completely untalented. I have really good days, and the rest Are bad/normal days. I let everyone else get to me and make me feel small. If its a compliment, I find ways that they actually hated it. I'm like Jo dating Danny. Give her a script and a pencil and she can make magic. But him, on the other hand, Is an amazing singer and actor that makes her feel horrible a lot of the time. Proud, yet embarrassed.

Friends- Im stubborn. Really stubborn. In the sense that I know I'm right. Ill budge eventually. IF you give me a valid argument. 

Dating- I'm still afraid of my boyfriend. I don't believe that anyone could actually like me and knowing about his last relationship, I always doubt that he does. Everyday. And it sucks. He also does lots of things to make me think he doesn't then when is accuse him he sends messages that are really sweet. I also just suck. Really bad. 

Writing- I hate showing people my stuff. This obviously doesn't count. But like, I showed my script to my teacher and he shot it down but sure as hell picked up Ann's really quick. Hers was terrible. Had no character development or anything. I didn't even show it to him to READ. Because he just doubts that I have scripts when people talk about them. I had no intention of doing it because the last one was awful. Bleh. Oh and I trust no one since my journal was read out loud AND I found out the other day the girl who I thought was my best friend in my class wrote all over every page... Meaning she saw them and didnt tell me.

Conclusion

I am happy.

Things work out for me all the time.

What my problem is: Im starting to feel forgotten.

I used to be the girl that got the lead in everything. (This has nothing to do with Les Mis, because not making main stage has always been a thing) But at hocker, before the changes, I got whatever I wanted. I was the Sara of Hocker. I got whatever I asked for. Then, I got to BH and got put in the chorus for my first summer. Then, I was up for Berthe in Pippin but was told I needed to be in the chorus because they had to use almost everyone and they couldn't lose Katie, the girl that got it, so I was in the chorus. And I was obviously pissed. I mean, if a director tells you that you were gonna get an amazing part and they stick you in the chorus to keep someone else happy sucks. And she told me that day to "Wait, honey. Your time is coming. Pay your dues and you will be perfectly fine." So I accepted that shitty part with a smile. The next day at the next audition, I got the lead. Yay. Cool. Then, the next summer, I go to auditions.. Got a bad part. Okay. Next show, got a really good part, but it was a singing part and I SUCK AT SINGING AND IT PISSES ME OFF IM WORKING ON IT OKAY and then I got through the first shows thinking "Pay your dues." over and over in my head. That totally got me through that show. Until tech week when the director looked at me and said "Sorry, I gave you characters you cant do anything with." Being in a show and not being remembered is my biggest nightmare. How can I give 100% if you told me there is nothing I can do to be good? Whatever. So I stuck it out. Got Wong at school which was awesome, paid my dues as celeste, and then got Mrs. Paroo. Only problem: I played background to the girl that stole the show when I was the lead, had the other solo song in HTELAC, is 1000000 times better than me at everything and makes me feel super small. I loved that show, but hated myself.

From now on, im only worrying about myself. Like, im not gonna worry about if im stealing the show or anything. Im only gonna worry about making my character the best that I can.

-Alto

My life in a picture.

More

This isn't want I want. 

I want more.

More out of it. 

Different- but not too different. 

But kinda different.

Because it requires not being afraid. 

And that's probably not gonna happen. 

-Alto

6 months.

6 months with the guy I've liked since the first time I saw him in singers.

6 months with a guy who I never thought would pay attention to me.

6 months with the only guy I've ever (forreal) kissed. 

6 months with the guy who has the best singing voice. 

6 months with the guy who everyone EXCEPT FOR ME liked last summer ;)

6 months with the only guy I've ever asked to get out of the car for one more hug.

6 months with the guy that I used to try and get his attention all the time at work.

6 months with the guy I would "make out with in the car before cast parties."

6 months with the guy who has the adorable mom and the hot dad. ;)

6 months with the guy who took me to formal and prom, two dances I NEVER would have gone to. 

6 months with the guy who has a special ringtone for when he texts me so I know it's worth looking at my phone.

6 months with the guy I go with to lwatch him eat when I'm not hungry just so I can hang out with him more.

6 months with the guy we invited over and asked questions so we knew EVERYTHING about him.

6 months with the guy who puts up with me at my worst.

6 months with the guy who is extremely handsome.

6 months with the guy who is really smart.

6 months with the guy with the cutest dimples.

6 months with the guy who came in just at the right time.

6 months with the guy who makes me feel better about myself when I hate myself.

6 months with the only guy I've ever said "I love you" to and believed that I mean it. 

6 months with the guy that makes me ridiculously insecure because of how great he is. I mean, other girls are bound to see it.

6 months is a long time. But it's been completely worth it.

I love you, Corbin.

Nine

Nine.

Ninth rejection.

And it hurts nine times worse than the first time. Nine times I've auditioned for that director. Nine. I'm not good enough for him, I guess. A harsh punch in the gut when this is what I wanna do when I'm older.

Fuck it, I'll be a nurse.

-Alto

A million eyes, you are the brightest blue.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27R_goWiAAU

Watch this. Listen to it. Read the words.

Not one, but two.

Krista, honey. I thought this was over. Calling me twice a week asking for an update on him isn't gonna make me hand him over. Im done. And I don't know what to do to get you to realize that. Im sorry the other guy isn't paying attention to you. But stopppp. Please stop.

Callie. Is this a joke? Please. Leave me alone. First, I have friends who tell me when you just sit there and talk about me non stop and texting them so I can see them is NOT a good idea. And please. Stop texting me just to make me feel like crap. Its not fun. It just makes me feel awful. Plus, if I don't text back that means im done and I don't want to talk to you. So don't text me the same message over and over.

LKASJDF;AKLSJR;ZDXKJRJR'

Sorry for all the blogs this is a long night,

-Alto

How many posts can i post in one night?

Im so stressed.

Finals.
Cast List.
Not making it.
Having to come up with an audition song for Grease.
Wanting more.
Best friend.
Boyfriend.
Summer.
Making friends for school next year.
Getting voice lessons EVEN THOUGH THE PEOPLE ARE BEING DUMB AND NOT EMAILING ME AND WHEN I CALL I ONLY GET TOLD TO EMAIL UGH
Shrek
Little Women.
Rad reading my scripts WHY IS THAT HAPPENING
Stress.

iwtmclhswhalh'smhitmpgfmehpmoiwhtbswmbilhawhtlm'mhcfilwmsatidhtwsm'hbnbgbtwbe'iawhcmowm

-Alto

Nicole.

First of all, grabbing someones phone and just reading texts is completely RIDICULOUS,
Second, you have no idea.

I have to be. Otherwise, there's nothing. Absolutely nothing The other person sure has no idea how to do it so I have to push things.

Just stay out of my business.

-Alto

Les Mis

This is gonna be really awkward. Ethan and Corbin are gonna make Les Mis and im not. Bleeeehh. That's the only reason I auditioned, to be with them. Yikes. This sucks.

Ill find out at noon :/

-Alto

Usgahahhhhhxjcl

I hate my family. I'm nothing like them. My parents just sit around and wait for things to be handed to them and it was so annoying. I hate hate HAAAAATE my parents, as do a lot of other people. 

I'm adopted. Only explanation.

-Alto

Dreams

Ive been having really weird dreams lately.......


............
..........
.......
.....
....
..
.

Weird. Weeeiiirrrdddd.

Thoughts at school.

"NOBODY REALLY LIKES YOU. THEY LIKE YOUR POOL."

"GET THE F*&:$,$/&:$:$£|,*}!}*,+\¥{€,¥\¥\¥\£~,£,£~£,!|£|!€|^,£~£| OUT OF MY WAY." 

"It's notes... And we're at school... Get over it." 

"Well, good luck in college then." 

"No I'm not a 'try hard', I just turned in my homework."

"Well, at least I remember what I did this weekend." 

"At least I can name who've I made out with." 

"Idiot."

"I know you're making fun of me."

"WHOOO. Want a cookie?" 

"SHUT UP. JUST, PLEASE. SHUT UP."

"Whine one more time. I dare you."

"No, I don't have gum." 

"I don't care about your new sperry's." 

"Your make up looks horrific."

"Self respect. You should try it." 

"I actually like you -- wait. Nope."

"Where the f are my friends? Oh wait."

"DO YOU THINK YOU'RE FUNNY?"

"I would loooooooooooooove to hear about your boyfriend."

"You're her best friend in one class but you talk about her in the next class. K."

"Your existence makes me want to punch a baby."

"Did you really curl your hair for school?"

"I thought we were talking? Ohhh, I get it someone popular came around. God forbid we stand by each other."

"Just because I don't drink or smoke doesn't mean im a 'goodie goodie' wtf.."
OH, hayden. Im gonna walk out of my graduation, get out of TPAC, and run straight for the car.

-Alto
 

Ashamed

I...

Watch...

GirlCode.

And I love it. Yes, I don't do a lot of the stuff on it, like drinking and sex but the stuff that does apply to me is wonderful. Forreal watch an episode if one of the description things applies to you.

I would never say this out loud.

-Alto

Keeping it together.

I managed to keep it together most of the day. Corbin definitely made it difficult, because he's going farther than Marya. 

I was doing really well until I was on my way home. Tears came out, but nothing big. Then I got home and had this huge meltdown about everything. Thinking he was gonna dump me,  thinking Marya was just gonna forgetting me, Andrew (still can't figure out why I'm so upset about him.) but, yeah. Meh.

-Alto

Graduation day notes.

Marya- What am I gonna do without your sass? Who knows. You're crazy. It's great.

Callie- GOOD RIDDANCE. Have a nice life! Stay away from me! Deuces!   

Andrew- Why I cry every time I think about YOU graduating, I don't know. But you obviously mean a lot to me. 

Sylvia- ... See ya! 

Ann- My sweet Ann, I love you. I hope your life works out exactly how you want it to. You deserve it.

Corey- "I know we've been through hard times...... Like (you) always getting counted late because of (me)." ...lol. Thanks for being really mean to me! I appreciate it! Ps. I love that your parents refuse to be within 100 feet of mine. 

Ali P- No please don't go to college. You are one psycho girl who I love. I don't care what other people think of you, you've always been one of my best friends. 

Christine- NOOOO. You adopted me when I joined bath house and you helped me become the person I am. I don't even know how to say goodbye to you. 

Camille- My baby. I'm gonna miss you. You make me feel so good about myself. You're wonderful. Can we please still have CamilleTori dates???

Corbin- No. 

Katie- You've gone psycho. In a bad way. Good luck. (But not really) 

Z  

Well.

I know this happens in the movies, and I even wrote a play about it, and it pisses people off... But it's what's going on right now.

My best guy friend ever doesn't approve. We were so close. SO close. There are reasons why we can't be as close anymore. He's gonna have to get used to that. We can be as close to the way we were before, if he just stays out of my relationship.

I hated his old girlfriend. She was obnoxious, annoying, stupid, bossy, and controlling. He would ditch me whenever just to hang out with her. Now, he's done with her. He apologized for not listening to me from the beginning. Which obviously brought up the argument that I should listen to him now rather than later. But I don't want to. I want him. Not anyone else.

Blarfhfnskwosjdubebx.

-Alt

Dear corrrrbz.

Corbin James Eakes,

I love you so much. You are the best thing to have ever happened to me. You're soooo cute and so sweet. I love everything about you. I know I tell you this alllllll the time but I still feel the need to do it.

Thanks for being so amazing :)

-Alto

I wanna be the girl

I wanna be the girl that people look up to.

I wanna be the girl who directors fight over.

I wanna be the girl that is drop dead gorgeous.

I wanna be the girl that people instantly like.

I wanna be the girl who is extremely confident.

I wanna be loved. 

I wanna be adored.

I wanna be this super girl I have in my head. 

-Alto

<3

I found the guy that gets the title as my first love. He's the biggest sweetheart in the world. He's a big headed mess, but that's my favorite thing about him. He's always there. For everything. He's in both my worlds and it makes everything that much easier.

What a guy :) 

-Alto 

Happysad.

Okay. So yeah. 

This sucks. Because I'm losing friends to that horrible life ruining college thing. Friends moving away and I won't get to see them all the time. Already lost friends to New York, Nashville, and Florida. Lawrence shouldn't be too bad, huh? 

Blech.

But... I'm already brogren's bitch for next year, which means I'll be one of her favorites. Radziebear loves me, and I'm his new best friend. I bonded with all the freshman since I have a big head  and they like to compliment me. And I'm an upperclassman. 

Guys... I might be okay.

-Alto

Yep.

Worst day of my life.

Why? I have no idea. 

But every time someone looks at me, I just wanna start sobbing. I even went to the chapel today.. I don't really pray, and I didn't. But just to get away from things. 

I feel pretty freaking unwanted now. 

-Alto

Walker John Everett.

Sometimes I hate him so much. But then, nights like last night, make me proud to be his sister. 

Normally we fight about everything like who gets the front seat, who gets the remote, or who gets to be in the basement. But last night, he asked me to go on a walk. And he asked how I was doing. He asked about everything in my life and it was the sweetest thing ever. I feel awful for not being very nice to him or ever being there for him since I'm never home. I'm used to him being a little kid and being able to boss him around but he's gonna be in high school next year...... What. 

Scary. 

-Alto

Lit Paper.

 

This is the first paper that I wrote my sophomore year. I just got it back. That's not all. I got it back with a note that said 

Tori. I'm glad you have found this confidence. High School is not easy, believe me. But I'm glad you've got it figured out. You're a cool kid. Keep it up.

Lit Comp 5th hour

9 September 2012

Switching Schools

I had enough. I had never seen people be so cruel to each other in my life. I had always surrounded myself with people that would rather see a musical on a friday night rather than go to a football game, and i decided those are the people i should stick with. So i decided I should go to Topeka High with my two best friends so I could hang out with them everyday.

I had decided that I wanted to go to Topeka High after their enrollment was over, so i had to go to late enrollment. My mother cried the entire way there. I assumed Topeka High would be the same as Hayden, just bigger. But, I was mistaken. Late enrollment wasn’t exactly the classiest thing in the world. I thought my parents were too laid back. Let’s just say that I have nothing but respect for my parents now.

Anyway, I got to enrollment and had to go to the office because  I wasn’t registered.  The  office was hot and smelly. People that had been waiting for a long time would occasionally get angry and start yelling at the office ladies, but would constantly complain about the heat as if it was the office ladies’ fault. Nothing that I was used to.

I had to wait about forty-five minutes before my name was called to have a meeting with the principal like all new students had to do. Before they called my name, I stood in the corner alone while my mother took a phone call. I kept looking around the room and thinking to myself, I cannot believe I am doing this.

Also running through my head, was the reasons why I would be leaving Hayden. I have been doing theatre for a long time and I was convinced their theatre department was better for me. Also, my two best friends go there. But, most importantly, some of the people at Hayden. Not all of them. Just the ones who haven’t realized that no one is going to remember if you were a “loser” in high school. But they will definitely remember you if you’re mean to them and make stupid decisions. The ones that act like the stereotypical high school girls that you always hate in the movies.

But the longer I thought about it I had to wonder. Was I really going to switch schools because some girls decided they were better than me? Thats not the kind of person I am, or the kind of person I will ever be.

My mom came back in and I was extremely conflicted. I heard my name called by the overwhelmed office lady as she motioned to the principals office for the meeting. The principal explained the theatre and music programs. After, he asked about why I wanted to switch schools. I vaguely told him, and the interesting part was, he informed me that he started to send his kids to Most Pure Heart instead of public school.

My mother and I were directed into the cafeteria where the real enrollment was. The whole time in my head i was thinking,  When is a good time for me to tell my mom that i want to leave? But, I was convinced that going to Topeka High is what I wanted to do.

We went through the line where we were standing shoulder to shoulder with extremely sweaty people. We were in line to get a student I.D. and to pay the fee to attend the school. My mom wrote out the check and gave me a dirty look and when she did, I grabbed the check and said “Let’s go.”

I couldn't help sitting there and only being able to think of the two girls I called my best friends, the guy that I had the biggest crush on, and all the theatre dorks I had grown to love.

We walked out and the minute we got out of the building, I started sobbing. It was an experience  that I am glad I got to experience, but I would be perfectly fine if i never had to go through it again.

Now, I am a sophomore at Hayden High School and I am okay with that. I regret wanting to go to Topeka High because of the theatre program because I got a supporting lead in Hayden’s production of The Good Woman of Setzuan. I also really love singers this year.

I’m only in my second year of high school, and I have already accepted that no one will care once high school is over. Once college comes around, I’ll leave confidently knowing that I am the person I want to be. 

-Alto

Judging

If you do things with your girlfriend/boyfriend, whatever. That's your choice. But if your relationship relies solely on doing things then you shouldn't be dating. 

Blech. 

-Alto

Fffffff

I'm an idiot. I don't want to hide things, but I gotta keep my mouth shut. 

Fuck.

I just said the f word on the Internet.

-Alto

Ehem. Well.

What he said made sense. 

Enough to make me sick. 

That's been happening a lot lately.

It makes my blogs contradict each other. The question that hurts, in many different ways is:

What makes YOU any different?

Shit.

-Alto

Carry on

Well I woke up to the sound of silence

The cars were cutting like knives in a fist fight

And I found you with a bottle of wine

Your head in the curtains

And heart like the fourth of July

You swore and said

We are not

We are not shining stars

This I know

I never said we are

Though I've never been through hell like that

I've closed enough windows 

To know you can never look back

If you're lost and alone

Or you're sinking like a stone

Carry on

May your past be the sound

Of your feet upon the ground

Carry on

Carry on, carry on

So I met up with some friends 

At the edge of the night

At a bar off 75

And we talked and talked 

About how our parents will die

All our neighbours and wives

But I like to think

I can cheat it all

To make up for the times I've been cheated on

And it's nice to know

When I was left for dead

I was found and now I don't roam these streets

I am not the ghost you want of me

If you're lost and alone

Or you're sinking like a stone

Carry on

May your past be the sound

Of your feet upon the ground

Carry on

Woah

My head is on fire

But my legs are fine

Cause after all they are mine

Lay your clothes down on the floor

Close the door

Hold the phone

Show me how 

No one's ever gonna stop us now

Cause we are 

We are shining stars

We are invincible

We are who we are

On our darkest day

When we're miles away

So we'll come

We will find our way home

If you're lost and alone

Or you're sinking like a stone

Carry on

May your past be the sound

Of your feet upon the ground

Carry on

Carry on, carry on

-FUN

Merp

I am beyond happy today. I got up this morning and curled my hair and put on a dress. Then I went and hung out with my aunt. Then I went home for the first time since Tuesday. By myself- no one was home. But being home was awesome. Then, I went to my grandmas. Bonded with my cousins. Everyone's asking about my friends and boyfriend. Although I'm embarrassed, I still like bragging about them. :) 

 Super happy. This stressful time is over. Yes, it's starting up soon with graduation and auditions, but it's over for now. 

And that's good enough for me.

-Alto

Respect

This is getting ridiculous, to the point it makes me sick to my stomach.

Girls just don't even have enough respect for me to leave Corbin alone when I'm RIGHT THERE. Heck, there was a girl who would text me to tell me that she was in love with him. It's getting old. I'm already ridiculously insecure about my relationship so please just stoooop. This has been happening for too long and it makes me feel horrible every time. I just want them  to stop. I really like him and I don't want to be so worried all the time. 

:( 

-Alto

Post title

Everyday. It's more and more. I've liked him since I met him. Sometimes he's a pain in the butt and a loser and I'm sure he can say the same for me. But, for some reason, that just doesn't matter. I like the weird things about him. 

He's ..  Gahhhh. :) 

-Alto 

Sick

Two of my good friends are graduating. And no matter how much she tells me that we're gonna hang out or how he reminds me that ill see him this summer, I'm still scared. What if they go to college and find new people? That's a good thing... But what if in the meantime, they just forget me? 

Sick. :/

-Alto

Fears

I dont tell regular people this so if you get to see this feel special.

These are things im afraid of..

Driving over bridges- One time in a movie a bridge collapsed and thats when i decided that if im ever on a bridge i will probably die.

Spiders- Who the hell isnt?

The dark- Its not that im afraid of monsters or ghosts.. Just the dark. I hate darkness and cold. Sunny/Light and warm is cool. Thanks bye.

Car Wrecks- Ive been through a lot. The one with Kris was by far the worst.. But still scared of any kind.

Bad Music- it just makes me sad for our generation.

Love- Honestly, yes. Because ive been let down a lot. But, not something im not willing to try. And I don't just mean with boys. Like, friends and such. 

Hurricanes- No. I dont do hurricanes. Drowning doesnt sound fun.

Getting hit by lightning in the shower- Okay this one is embarrassing but like, i dont want to shower during thunderstorms. I always do though. And its like only having the water on when necessary.. its .. a mess. Once again, i saw it on tv once.

Overdosing on pills- I hardly ever take the recommended dosage, usually going under thinking ill die. But one time i took 5 tylonels in 2 hours. Not okay.

Eating Disorders.

Boys- Some are scary.

Girls- ALL ARE SCARY.

Bad guys- always convinced someone is gonna come through my back door. I can think my dad who used to scare me outside when i was younger. He also contributed to my darkness fear.

Actors- Judgemental bitches. Im one too, i know.

Getting shot- Im kinda racist. Thats all im gonna say.

What people think-This makes me want to punch myself in the face for admitting this but yeah.. People's opinions kill me sometimes. Especially since im friends with a lot of people who can tell me every side of every story.

Not making it in theatre... I have nothing else going for me. And i dont even have theatre really going for me.

Feet- Honestly, it depends on who you are how close your feet can get to me. I would chop mine off if i didnt know how AWEFUL crutches were.

Directors- They trust me too much. And it makes me sick. Because i dont think i can live up to what they expect of me.

This is not all, but im sleepy.

-Alto

Accidently in love.

Im so happy.

So happy with my relationship. So happy with the plays ive been writing. So happy with all the auditions im preparing for even if i dont make them. So happy with the friends ive made over the past couple years. So happy that the asian at classic bean makes me a polar ice cap when i walk in. So happy with how many calories i have taken in going to Qdoba 100000 times with great people. So happy with being happy.

Happy agian?

It could work.

-Alto

I wanna go home

I can't do this. 

I love my aunt and all, but why is this happening? 

I hate dogs- and I'm stuck with two. 

I hate bugs- one fell on me. I mean that can happen to anyone but I can't sleep.. I saw a spider. 

My dad and I hate each other and it's gotten bad. But we just fought until he left.

My mom won't let me be my own person  and apparently everything needs to be done for me.

I'm not allowed to hang out with that many people- only scheduled things.

My curfew that was hard to stick to anyway was bumped down an hour. 

I'm scared of the neighborhood I'm in.

Usually I'm best friends with my aunt but she is turning into my moms evil minion.

 

I'm sick and tired of being here and it has been 20 minutes.

-Alto

This is the New Year

Another year you made a promise

Another chance to turn it all around

And do not save this for tomorrow

Embrace the past and you can live for now

And I will give the world to you

Speak louder that the words before you

And give them meaning no one else has found

The role we play is so important

We are the voices of the underground

And I would give the world to you

Say everything you've always wanted, 

Be not afraid of who you really are, 

Cause in the end we have each other, 

And that's at least one thing worth living for, 

And I would give the world to you

A million suns that shine upon me

A million eyes you are the brightest blue

Lets tear the walls down that divide us

And build a statue strong enough for two, 

I pass it back to you

And I will beat for you, 

Cause I would give the world

And I would give the world

And I would give the world to you

This is the new year

A new begining

You made a promise

You are the brightest

We are the voices

This is the new year

We are the voices

This is the new year.

-Ian Axel. 

Be yourself?

One of the biggest loads of crap society is gonna throw at you. 

In today's world, being yourself means being BY yourself. 

How am I supposed to feel? A majority of the people who care about me are leaving. Two of them have to go.. But I have two really good friends in my class. I already lost one to him liking me and then ditching me to be popular.. Now I'm losing the other one to Topeka West.

I'm gonna be sick. If I think THIS is bad, what am I gonna do when next years seniors go too? 

Fsuxjakdiaieucjxn

-Alto

:)

Snipppppz.

Danny: You've got it. I don't know what it is.. But you've got it. I look over at you and see that silly little smile and I just.. Fall in love all over again. Which is funny- because they told me to make you fall in love with me, I had to make you laugh. But.. Funny thing is.. When you laugh, IM the one falling in love.

-Alto

Mine.

He's my everything. Everything I do, I'm thinking about him. He's there for me through anything. He's .. Perfect.

Words cannot even described this guy. He's absolutely amazing. He says the right things. I've never been so comfortable around a guy before.

He means everything and more to me.

Love him so much.

-Alto

My Freeze Ray

Laundry Day. See you there.
Underthings...tumbling.

Wanna say "Love your hair."
Here I go merdzuanahuxujsaaa... mumbling.

With my freeze ray I will stop - the world.

With my freeze ray I will find the time to find the words to

Tell you how. How you make.
Make me feel. What's the phrase?

Like a fool. Kinda sick.
Special needs.....

Anyways.

With my freeze ray I will stop - the pain.

It's not a death ray or an ice beam, that's all Johnny Snow.

I just think you need time to know..

That I'm the guy to make it real.
The feelings you don't dare to feel.
I'll bend the world to our will

And we'll make Time stand still.

That's the plan. Rule the world.
You and me. Any day.

"Love your hair."

Girl: "What?"

"No, I, I, I love the air..."

Anyway.

With my freeze ray I will stop---

Blergh

I don't know why I have such a hard time believing that you mean what you say, but I do. I trust you in every other way, the rest just scares me.

-Alto

Ksjxbxbshxkaowbe

You're my everything.

Honestly.

I like you more than any guy ever. I have 1,000,000 things I want to say but I honestly don't have the words to say it.

😌

-Alto

I'll leave this here.

E+#@n C@r1$0n

Ethan,

Thank you for being my best friend. You are perfection. I miss you. I miss your family.
I miss that one summer where we did pippin, secret garden, high school musical 2, hung out with Ellie, (insert stalker freak here), you ate McDonalds and orange leaf religiously, Yahtzee with your mom and sister, making Jamie jealous, when you took me dress shopping for my birthday, when you discovered that you looked good in skinny jeans, me getting nicknamed grandpa, the pickle, watched Hercules, swimming with Taylor... That was awkward, that night I asked you EVERYTHING and you had to answer no matter how awkward, when we were sobbing on your porch your last day in town when I had to leave early because I had school the next day..

I miss you. I need you to come home.


And come out.. But that can wait I guess ;)

-Alto

Confidence.

Confidence.

What is that?

I honestly don't know. A front is always the easy way out, and that's the way I take. But lately people have been figuring me out, and it scares the crap out of me. Because now I can't say I'm fine and be believed. I can't do anything without being questioned. It's a good thing, because hey! Someone finally cares. But at the same time, I'm gonna have to be myself.

And I forgot who that is.

-Alto

Ratchet Thursdays

Why do I get ignored so much?

Once upon a time, I was good enough for everyone in my class. I was best friends with them,the guys liked me (I rejected 7 guys my eighth grade year #ohyeah). But now.. None of my old friends talk to me, the guys voted on me being the ugliest girl in VanDonge's 5th hour, and I'm alone.

I have friends that are all older than me. But what am I gonna do once they leave? I'm gonna have to be at least civil with them. And I thought I had all my bath house people to keep me sane but the girl I was the best friends with is a bitch now. Oh well. Ill have someone. Somewhere.

It's just frustrating. Here I'm the girl who is good to have as a partner because ill do all the work. The girl who's a really good friend, but not cool enough for you to talk to in front of your popular friends.

Now, I say this. But up there is past tense..

Because today, I was invited to 3 different parties. People complimented the way I look... I'm not wearing make up. And I look gross. Like, I woke up late and declared today "Ratchet Thursday." That's how bad it is. I had a talk with a director about the shows she wants to see me in within the next year. But no, the bath house girl is still a bitch. And I have a friend she's told some things about me... Yeah. Um. Well, I guess it's good that I know what she says about me so I don't have to try to be friends with her. She's fake, but I'm not. So I'm okay with this.

Deep breath.

Lets go.

-Alto