Am I mad?

Well. Basically got dumped. 

But, I'm not as mad as I thought I would be. Am I upset? Yes. I mean.. He was the first guy that I stuck my freaking tongue in his mouth.. That's big since I said that was gross and I don't do that haha. He's cute, but too smart for me. He's funny, but I didn't get any of his jokes. To be honest, I was settling for it because I wanted a boyfriend. A straight one. 

But that's not gonna happen and I'm totally okay with that. Independence is something I'm excited to learn over the course of the next couple years.

:)

Gone

I can't stay here anymore. 

Everything's better without me. And that's not me saying "I should have never been born... Blah blah blah" It's me saying I need to get out of here. I need a night where I just go. Run away basically. Guarantee my parents won't notice. And if they do, they won't think oh maybe she just has problems. They'll think "She's a spoiled brat who doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself." And all they'll do is take away my phone and priveledges. Because apparently that like.. Does something. I hate my dad. More than anyone in the entire world and he definitely knows it now. My mom was all I had left in this fucked up family and she likes to talk shit about my dad when he's gone and then take his side the minute he's home. Get a divorce. Because it's long overdue. I'm fucking over it.

Angry

My life is falling apart. And I can't believe I've gone this long without even acknowledging it. I'm so fucking stupid. 

Gay.

I honestly wouldn't mind if all my kids were gay. 

Is it because I think gays are absolutely fabulous? Well, that's part of it.

Some people can't stand the thought of being gay. And it's bullshit when people say "I don't care, as long as they don't act on it." 

If all my kids were gay, God would be giving me some amazing children. God doesn't make mistakes, according to your religion, so what makes gays a problem? 

If my kids are gay, that's God not giving those kids to someone who's going to abuse them and neglect them. Because a human is a fucking human. That should  be clear no matter what religion you are. 

I'm sorry but MY God wouldn't damn people to hell for being in love. 

Straight marriage means nothing anymore to some people. People marry to marry rich. People marry because they got knocked up. What's love anymore? All I know is that it's not something to be ashamed of. And no one should have to hide it. 

Rant over. Goodnight, San Diego. 

Journals

My blog has literally just turned into a dramatic bitching space. And I mean, that's cool. I guess. But my best writing has been out into the journals I have sitting next to my bed. Some are the scariest fucking books and some are the best. Finding a suicide journal from middle school was not something I was excited nor proud to find, but it's there. Or a journal entitled "Why I hate myself" and it basically being filled. Whoooooo. But I also found a journal dedicated to inventing words that rhyme with "orange" and a detective notebook about weird things that went on my life. It used the word "suspicious" a lot more than it should.

This is why I keep them. But being reminded of a past where I meant nothing to anyone or myself kinda brings me down.

Indecisive

I mean. I make out with him a lot, and he's a good looking guy, and he's fairly nice.. I just don't think I want to date in high school, or are least, date him. I mean if we go to the same college we have a chance that maybe if we're around each other enough... Maybe. But I really just don't see it. At all. And that sucks because I'm definitely leading him on. Oops. 

Shit

For some reason I created this alternate reality in my head and made everything shitty.. So I took medicine. The meds I should have been taking and a few others.. I don't feel good at all and don't know what the heck I just did.. 

It's okay though. Because I was so mad. And so upset. And now I don't feel anything. 

Meds

I'm not. 

I refuse. 

But I need something. Something to make me not feel like shit. It's like drowning.. While watching everyone else around you breathe.

Stress and depression is a bitch and my anxiety is becoming deadly. 

3 of them

Jared, Joe, and Max are what were gonna call them.

Jared is a sweetheart. And he really likes me a lot more than I like him. And that's not good. He's "falling in love." And I'm just.. Falling on my face. 

Joe is a newer one. He's been around for quite a while but we never really liked each other. But now he's doing little things that really make me see it. Some of the things he says when he texts me is a little weird and unexpected but I catch myself liking him. 

Max. Oh max. He's a whore. A total whore. He looks like Matthew and Evan (in my grade) mixed together. He told me he liked me tonight.  He's really cute. He's a sophomore but you wouldn't be able to tell. He's being kept in mind, definitely.

Dammit

I like you. 

And I shouldn't. 

And I don't want to. 

But I do and it's a bitch. And it's gonna make people mad. And I've got someone that I should be falling in love with because he is with me. 

Fuck. 

Used

You're being a dick. 

I love you. But I hate you. Because you're being a huge jerk. We were friends for two years before this stupid fight between you and gabby happened. But now i don't know what's going on. Because you talk to me even when gabby isn't around, you text me.. Weird things, you ask me to prom, and you're just treating me like I've always been here. And you've never treated me like that before. And I feel as though I'm being used. Itd be one thing if I knew that you were just doing it to piss off gabby, but when gabby comes around, you run away. You won't tell me why you're mad at her. And that's frustrating. The only thing you say is "I don't hate her." 

You're being frustrating. And Id like to think that you aren't just using me but sometimes it feels like it.

Getting the idea.

He's slowly getting the idea that I don't want to deal with this right now. But he's distancing himself. And that's really the last thing I need right now :/