Quick thought.

If it weren't for Hunter, Ethan, and Gabby... I don't know what I would do. God. 

Tired of this.

I'm tired of this. 

I need to make up my mind on whether I like you or not and stop leading you on. I feel so freaking alone right now and you just fill that missing piece sometimes. Or at least, I tell myself that you do. And the minute I do, I don't like you and I hate that. This sucks. 

Quit trying.

I don't know if I even like you. And you just try soooo hard. And I feel bad but I juy don't know. I have no idea. I don't need anyone hurt in this situation. Because I'll probably start liking you for sure once you stop. 

Lies.

That's all it's ever been with you. 

And the worst part is, I know the right answer when I ask these questions. But the answer I get as been a lie. I trusted you enough to believe you. And think differently because YOU said it wasn't true. If someone  really wanted to be in my life, you'd think they have enough respect to not make everything about the friendship a total lie. Because now you're coming clean about some of the stuff you've lied about (I'm sure there's more) and I just have to sit here and listen to you talk about all the things you said and I feel like you never cared. And your bullshit "I didn't want to lose you." Is starting to get old. Because you honestly had a better chance if you would have just told me these things then.

So

I'm a mess. 

I'm someone who's been thrown to the ground, stepped on, beat up, torn apart and completely ruined. I've been hurt, rarely told that someone cares. I did everything for attention and got nothing. Absolutely nothing. Unless you count "shut up." Or "sit down." 

I don't remember feeling pretty. There may have been times I said that I did and then looked back and hated every single thing about myself. There's nothing about me that's pretty. Sometimes I like my hair. Sometimes. 

I have a best friend. We're polar opposites except for the few things we tried to force onto eachother that sometimes show up in the car rides to nowhere.

I'm apart of a family holding on by a string that should have snapped a while ago.  And I'm not getting into that now..

But what am I supposed to do? I'm a girl who finds it impossible to be happy with herself, can't seem to catch a break from my parents, constantly trying to impress everyone, has the most confusing relationships with boys, and just wants to be accepted. And that sounds cheesy. But I wanna walk down the hallway and feel wanted. I want someone to congratulate me on my part and not sound like they're making fun of it. 

I want more. 

Or I want out.

I wanna be gone. 

Just not now. - I love you because

Stop there, Austen, hold it, freeze

Give me a second, would you please?

You said a lot there and I’m just not there

I need to think your honesty real

And it appeals to my emotions

Which is great, but I’m sure

Now’s no the time for romantic notions

I want true love someday

But, just not now

A picket fence cliché

But just not now

How can I make you see

Though this feels right to me

Now’s not the time to be

Quite where you are

You’re here too soon

And though I know

It sounds unfair

If you would wait for me, I swear

I’ll meet you there

And though your love seems real

I’m not prepared to feel

The way you do

Let’s take this time

We’ll wait it out

Or else we’ll crash and burn

I’m lost

And I don’t know

What true love’s all about

Please give me time to learn

I want so much to say

Okay, I love you too

I will, but not today

You know, I know you do

And though it’s hard you must

Control your hear and trust

I want with you

Just not now

Did that just happen?

That may have meant something to you, but that meant nothing to me. And at this point, I don't know what I'm doing. This isn't it. It's not what I want. 

I want out and I want out fast. 

Why

I hate myself when it comes to guys. Because I like them when I'm with them. But unlike most girls who like a guy and like him even more when they miss him, i just stop liking them. And it's annoying. Plus I have yet to have that feeling where you start to fall in love with someone. I mean, I thought I have. But I haven't. And I'm okay with that. Because I'm young. And that stuff shouldn't matter. But okay, you like me. And so you're just gonna text me for a couple more weeks and then you're gonna try to ask me to be your girlfriend? We can't just be friends and see where that goes? I don't know, this whole thing just seems.. Fast. 

Light of a clear blue morning :)

It's been a long dark night.

And I've been waiting for the morning.

It's been a long hard fight.

But I see a brand new day dawning.

I've been looking for the sunshine

Cause I ain't seen it in so long

Everything's gonna work out fine.

Everything's gonna be all right.

It's gonna be okay.

Hurt

I meant something to you at one point, so if you could please STOP pretending like I mean nothing to you and I'm just annoying, I would appreciate it. Thanks.

Fuck

I'm gonna admit, I was so unhappy that you weren't the guy I made in my head while we were dating. But now that we're not, I realize you weren't the kind of guy I wanted at all. But you were the guy I needed and you were my best friend all in one. God this is so freaking hard. I don't want anyone else. No one at all.

Bleh.

It's really annoying that I now have a guy who really likes me. Reaaaally likes me. Seemingly more than the last one. But I can't give him enough attention because I only have the last guy on my mind. And that sucks. That SUCKS. I'm gonna become a nun because guys suck. 

"OH IIIIIIIIIIII HATE MEN."

Why I'm so dependent.

People lately have been pointing out how dependent I am. And I've denied it for a while, but I am. I am so dependent. Lets see where it started..

Well, I was raised by the king of assholes himself. And my mom, who is the most amazing woman in the world, is blinded by him sometimes. My mother doesn't like my dad. I know because she's constantly complaining about him. And it's not  "in a loving way." It's "Your dad is a dick and needs to stop." I personally don't like him. And he knows that. I know because I'm pretty sure he's read every text, journal, blog, everything. Because he's a dick. 

My brother who is my best friend has serious anger management issues and since we're so close, he takes it out on me. And that hard to handle. Really hard. I can kick his ass, but still. Scary.

My sister, who is 6, thinks she's fat and ugly. All because her brother tells her that she is. She doesn't eat sometimes... And asks if I have make up.. That kills me. She's 6. 

I can't remember the last time my parents hugged me.. Or said I love you. Or I'm proud of you. Anything. The only thing I hear from my dad is how i always manage to get out of the dishes and how much of a hassle I am. So I get rides everywhere. And I try to get involved with as many things as possible so I never have to see him. My mom Is so great and I love her but those rare moments that she turns into father kills me.

So I latch onto people. Like gabby, the love of my life. She's my best friend. I don't think I've kept a "best friend" best friend this long. She's my everything.and Corbin. He was.. Wow. He was just my favorite boy in the entire world. The kids gotta stick around. And now Jackson who just tells me things about myself that I don't believe, but it's nice to hear. And John. Who if he gets his head out of his butt is amazing. And jessi. The girl who's looked up to me forever and would do absolutely anything for me. And hunter. The theater boy. The one who makes me confident in myself. The guy who actually cares if I succeed. The guy who WANTS me to succeed. I love him. He's amazing and I'm so glad that I have shrek with him.

So pretty much what I'm saying is that my friends mean everything to me. And they replace the love that I don't have anywhere else. My friends mean everything and more to me..