The worst big brother ever.

John. 

Fucking John. 

Making me believe in myself and feel like maybe, juuuust maybe, I might have another friend at the hell hole we call school. Someone who makes it easier then just takes my heart and rips it into a million pieces. I trusted you. You made me feel like a friend, a little loved. But then you do things like this and that's the shit I can't stand, John. You've gotta stop. Because I'm not gonna be a part time friend, because I've got enough of those. And they don't mean shit to me. But you were starting to. You were my Laurie. And you fucking broke that. 

Snap out of it, please. You're better than that. 

Tonight

9 months. I knew for 9 months that this was gonna happen. Of course I could prepare the whole time, but.. Even the summer. I had the whole fucking summer to get over him. But I can't. I don't know if it's him, or if it's the memories. That fact that I told him EVERYTHING and we did everything together. He was my everything. I'm young and shouldn't get that emotionally invested, but it's still awful. He's .. Amazing. And I love him. And I'm to the point where I don't even know if I can just be his best friend. I may have to completely cut him out of my life. Which sucks.. But I need like.. A month without him. Just to see if I think about him as much. If I see him with another girl,though, ill die. I couldn't possibly.

How I am.

She asks how I am,

And so, how am I?

My days are the usual day.

I wake up, I go out,

Time goes by.

My days are exactly the days

I have lived since arriving here.

In fact, how I am is amazed how

This comforts me year by year.

I work and I eat.

Life is muffins and jam.

The house is nice and quiet now.

That is how I am.

Five years in these rooms,

Reading Hegel and Kant

My mind is devoted to thoughts

On the meaning of life.

What more could I want?

So why is it lately I find I’m 

Uneasy all through the night?

And why even now does my skin

Feel explosive as dynamite?

Why does my heart pound

Like a battering ram?

How can she ask me how I am?

How I am is fine!

What am I doing.

I don't even know what's going on anymore. Why I don't know any thing. Why I'm so stupid. Why I'm still pretending that I don't care even when people ask me constantly. I do care. I want it more than anything and people know that. I'm just.. Not me anymore. At all. And that's terrifying. 

:/

I shouldn't. But I do. 

And it's hard on me. Really hard on me. But I don't know if it means anything to you. I look through the texts I send and can't help thinking about how absolutely pathetic I am.. But oh my god.

 I miss you. So much.

First impressions.

I’ve gotten used to being introduced.

“Hello. What’s your name? How are you?”

They see my smile, my laugh, and the hurt behind my eyes.

Loss is not so easily disguised.

I’ll try my best to keep on with my sunny disposition.

But I close my eyes and end up reminiscing.

So save me from waking up tonight.

Save me from waking up tonight.

Cause I toss and I turn and it doesn’t feel right.

Save me from waking up tonight.

Left to my own devices,

I’d stay up till 3 am.

Spend the whole day barely awake,

And then do it all again.

Cause my dreams are filled with pleasantries

That make me think you’re here with me.

They won’t let my poor heart mend.

I have tried my darnedest to continue smiling wide,

But I miss you and that’s something I can’t hide.

So save me from waking up tonight.

Please, save me from waking up tonight.

I thought I was fine, but it looks as if I might,

Not make it through the night.

So save me from waking up tonight.

Please, save me from waking up tonight.

Cause I toss and I turn and it doesn’t feel right.

Please, save me from waking up tonight.

Insecure

I've always been insecure. And when I say insecure- I mean hating everything about myself insecure. And it went away for a while. But oh my god, it's back and worse than ever. I hate myself. I hate looking at myself. I'm the dumbest person I know. And it's frustrating. Being surrounded by such perfect people and looking/acting like this is just embarrassing. :/ I'm done. 

Wow

I shouldn't have gotten back together with him. I should have toughed this part of it out in the middle of the summer. It would have made him just being gone so much easier. He should have been the mature one and not let us get back together. He's the older one and should have been a lot more in charge. Instead of me having to kind of guess about what I was doing. God. This sucks. 

This is why.

I told you not to read my blog anymore, so if you're reading this... I would probably have done the same. 

But whatever. Cassidy and Caitlyn are bitches. And I like to think of him as mine still. But he isn't. He never really was. And that sucks. It sucks so much. I can tell people how I'm gonna be fine and how moving on will be easy, but I don't mean it. Like who am I kidding. He was far from the perfect boyfriend. And I was not the perfect girlfriend by any means. But I always felt like I had him to trust. I don't trust anyone. So it's a huge responsibility. Please don't make me regret giving you that. Gah. I can't do this. You leave, and I feel like I have no one anymore. My best friends got a boyfriend now so she's allowed to be away sometimes. But everyone else just ran out on me. And now I feel like I have no one. And that's completely unusually for me. 

Dying. Slowly but surely. 

Ouch

Broken hearted to say the least.

What the fuck. 

UXJXUDRSFGBVXHXDRHGFGHNXGHCAQTIKBCDGKBDFFGFUCKINGSTOPHGDSXHCVMDJEJHCHFHDDFJFF

Why

The day I needed someone.. Anyone.. I get nothing. My best friend is busy with her boyfriend. So I try to talk to my now ex boyfriend. And I get nothing. I need someone to just talk to me. Please. I can't.. I Just don't know how to deal with this.. 

And while I'm ranting, this is the first time Corbin and I haven't talked all day in about a year.. I mean, I've sent texts today.. But he didnt respond. He's still basically my best friend. And I need him around. And that sucks. Now he's in college. And I'm here alone. So that's fun. 

Oh my god..

Her and her Boyfriend broke up because he left for college.She got drunk the night after he left because she felt that would help.. Well, two guys at the party raped her. And she only remembers one of them. She's going to court for one of them. 

Shit.. 

Oh..

Well... Just kidding.

Its hit me. I expecting a text. My phone to ding. Something. I already miss you. This has to  be the hardest thing I could do. And you seem to be taking it well... Ouch. :/ But this is for the best. 

Right? 

Best friends

I only cried once. And I'm proud of myself for that. Still heartbroken, but you avoiding it (even though it was nerve racking) made me feel better since you SUCK at breaking up with people. Here's to being best friends. We can try it. 

Summertime Sadness.

[Lana del Rey]

Kiss me hard before you go

Summertime sadness

I just wanted you to know

That baby you're the best

I got my red dress on tonight

Dancing in the dark in the pale moonlight

Got my hair up real big beauty queen style

High heels off, I'm feeling alive

Oh, my God, I feel it in the air

Telephone wires above all sizzling like your stare

Honey I'm on fire I feel it everywhere

Nothing scares me anymore

Kiss me hard before you go

Summertime sadness

I just wanted you to know

That baby you're the best

I've got that summertime, summertime sadness

S-s-summertime, summertime sadness

Got that summertime, summertime sadness

I'm feelin' electric tonight

Cruising down the coast goin' 'bout 99

Got my bad baby by my heavenly side

I know if I go, I'll die happy tonight

Oh, my God, I feel it in the air

Telephone wires above all sizzlin' like your stare

Honey I'm on fire I feel it everywhere

Nothing scares me anymore

Kiss me hard before you go

Summertime sadness

I just wanted you to know

That baby you're the best

I've got that summertime, summertime sadness

S-s-summertime, summertime sadness

Got that summertime, summertime sadness

I think I'll miss you forever

Like the stars miss the sun in the morning skies

Late is better than never

Even if you're gone I'm gonna drive, drive

I've got that summertime, summertime sadness

S-s-summertime, summertime sadness

Got that summertime, summertime sadness

Kiss me hard before you go

Summer time sadness

I just wanted you to know

That baby you're the best

I've got that summertime, summertime sadness

S-s-summertime, summertime sadness

Got that summertime, summertime sadness

Shit

I won't be sleeping tonight. I feel like I want to cry. And I have. Too much. Fuuuuuuuuuuccccckkk. 

Hitting me

It's hitting me again. And it's slowly killing me. 

Journals

I just finished the most important journal I have ever written. I've never cried so much in my life..

Stop.

Tonight was amazing. I'm so comfortable around you. And I don't think it's just a best friend thing. This sucks. This REALLY sucks. I want you to stay. But you can't. Here's to 5 more days...

Sigh. :'( 

Ugh.

This is literally killing me. 

They know. And everything you fuck up, they know. And they let you know.

They get it. Ugh. 

Blackberry Winter.

Never paid attention to the lyrics until now.

Blackberry winter comes without a warning 
Just when you think that spring's around to stay 
And you wake up on a cold, rainy morning 
And wonder what on earth became of May.

Blackberry winter only lasts a few days 
Just long enough to get you feeling sad 
When you think of all the love that you have wasted 
On someone who you never really had.

I'll never get over losing you 
But I had to learn that life goes on 
And the memory grows dim, like a half-forgotten song 
Til the blackberry winter reminds me that you're gone

I get so lonely, most of all in springtime 
I wish I could enjoy the first of May 
But I seem to know that blackberry winter is not so far away.

To This Day by Shane Koyczan

When I was a kid

I used to think that pork chops and karate chops

were the same thing

I thought they were both pork chops

and because my grandmother thought it was cute

and because they were my favourite

she let me keep doing it

A

not really a big deal

one day

before I realized fat kids are not designed to climb trees

I fell out of a tree

and bruised the right side of my body

I didn’t want to tell my grandmother about it

because I was afraid I’d get in trouble

for playing somewhere that I shouldn’t have been

a few days later the gym teacher noticed the bruise

and I got sent to the principal’s office

from there I was sent to another small room

with a really nice lady

who asked me all kinds of questions

about my life at home

I saw no reason to lie

as far as I was concerned

life was pretty good

I told her “whenever I’m sad

my grandmother gives me karate chops”

this led to a full scale investigation

and I was removed from the house for three days

until they finally decided to ask how I got the bruises

news of this silly little story quickly spread through the school

and I earned my first nickname

pork chop

to this day

I hate pork chops

I’m not the only kid

who grew up this way

surrounded by people who used to say that rhyme about sticks and stones 

as if broken bones

hurt more than the names we got called.And we got called them all

so we grew up believing no one

would ever fall in love with us

that we’d be lonely forever.

that we’d never meet someone

to make us feel like the sun

was something they built for us

in their tool shed.

so broken heart strings bled the blues

as we tried to empty ourselves

so we would feel nothing

don’t tell me that hurts less than a broken bone

that an ingrown life

is something surgeons can cut away

that there’s no way for it to metastasize

it does

she was eight years old

our first day of grade three

when she got called ugly

we both got moved to the back of the class

so we would stop get bombarded by spit balls

but the school halls were a battleground

where we found ourselves outnumbered day after wretched day

we used to stay inside for recess

because outside was worse

outside we’d have to rehearse running away

or learn to stay still like statues giving no clues that we were there

in grade five they taped a sign to her desk

that read beware of dog

to this day

despite a loving husband

she doesn’t think she’s beautiful

because of a birthmark

that takes up a little less than half of her face

kids used to say she looks like a wrong answer

that someone tried to erase

but couldn’t quite get the job done

and they’ll never understand

that she’s raising two kids

whose definition of beauty

begins with the word mom

because they see her heart

before they see her skin

that she’s only ever always been amazing

he

was a broken branch

grafted onto a different family tree

adopted

but not because his parents opted for a different destiny

he was three when he became a mixed drink

of one part left alone

and two parts tragedy

started therapy in 8th grade

had a personality made up of tests and pills

lived like the uphills were mountains

and the downhills were cliffs

four fifths suicidal

a tidal wave of anti depressants

and an adolescence of being called popper

one part because of the pills

and ninety nine parts because of the cruelty

he tried to kill himself in grade ten

when a kid who still had his mom and dad

had the audacity to tell him “get over it” as if depression

is something that can be remedied

by any of the contents found in thiaid kit

to this day

he is a stick on TNT lit from both ends

could describe to you in detail the way the sky bends

in the moments before it’s about to fall

and despite an army of friends

who all call him an inspiratio

he remains a conversation piece between people

who can’t understand

sometimes becoming drug free

has less to do with addiction

and more to do with sanity

we weren’t the only kids who grew up this way

to this day

kids are still being called names

the classics were

hey stupid

hey spaz

seems like each school has an arsenal of names

getting updated every year

and if a kid breaks in a school

and no one around chooses to hear

do they make a sound?

are they just the background noise

of a soundtrack stuck on repeat

when people say things like

kids can be cruel?

every school was a big top circus tent

and the pecking order went

from acrobats to lion tamers

from clowns to carnies

all of these were miles ahead of who we were

we were freaks

lobster claw boys and bearded ladies

oddities

juggling depression and loneliness playing solitaire spin the bottle

trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal

but at night

while the others slept

we kept walking the tightrope

it was practice

and yeah

some of us fell

but I want to tell them

that all of this shit

is just debris

leftover when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought

we used to be

and if you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself

get a better mirror

look a little closer

stare a little longer

because there’s something inside you

that made you keep trying

despite everyone who told you to quit

you built a cast around your broken heart

and signed it yourself

you signed it

“they were wrong”

because maybe you didn’t belong to a group or a click

maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything

maybe you used to bring bruises and broken teeth

to show and tell but never told

because how can you hold your ground

if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it

you have to believe that they were wrong

they have to be wrong

why else would we still be here?

we grew up learning to cheer on the underdog

because we see ourselves in them

we stem from a root planted in the belief

that we are not what we were called we are not abandoned cars stalled out and sitting empty on a highway

and if in some way we are

don’t worry

we only got out to walk and get gas

we are graduating members from the class of

fuck off we made it

not the faded echoes of voices crying out

names will never hurt me

of course

they did

but our lives will only ever always

continue to be

a balancing act

that has less to do with pain

and more to do with beauty.

Tonight

It all started with going to rehearsal and doing an amazing job with the musical theatre steps and then getting to the stripper part and getting completely lost. I can't keep up and it's humiliating. Then, my dad made me cancel plans tomorrow to babysit so he could sleep. Yes, I was upset but I'm scared to death of him so I didn't say anything. I got upset enough to cry.. Okay, sob after rehearsal and told my mom everything and she called my dad.. The dad that hates everything about me. Who is now extremely pissed that "I'm making a big deal out of this" when I didn't know my mom was gonna call him.

I can't.. I just can't. 

:( 

Recent

This is a really annoying post which is why it's going on here and not anywhere else. But I'm just.. Sad. Constantly. I'm not happy. And I don't know what to officially blame it on even though I blame it on a lot of things. I don't remember the last time I felt good about myself. I haven't felt pretty. I haven't felt wanted. And if I have, it was by the wrong people.  And that's with my summer friends. The friends I wait all year to hang out with. The people that make me feel better about myself just aren't here anymore. And now I have to go to school tomorrow and sit and talk to all the people I talk to normally which are just random people who I only consider/they only consider me an acquaintance. Honestly, I'm feeling left behind.  And there's nothing anyone can do to fix it. But it sucks.